You fucked with the WRONG woman!

For those of you that don't know, I finally left my bullshit job. I just could not take it anymore. The other employees are stuck-up Christians who think they're better than anyone who doesn't go to church, and the managers think they're freaking CEOs!

On my last day, I just couldn't take it anymore. It got really busy, some idiot left a piece of equipment in the middle of the floor, so I tripped and hurt myself, I had to take care of all the customers in the dining room alone while hurt, and nobody bothered to help me. Toward the end of my shift, PITA (you remember PITA, right? He's mentioned here and here.) takes me to the back of the office to complain about the lack of cleanliness in the dining room. I say, "Well, some idiot left a piece of equipment in the middle of the floor CARELESSLY, and I got hurt, and I had to do what I could alone. I didn't see any of you offer to help me." At that point, PITA stammers for a bit and says, "Um...well....we assumed that you could do it." Bullshit. At that point, PITA threatens to suspend me for a week, so I say, "You know what? You can eat your suspension," and I walk out. I only return the following week to pick up my check.

I've hated them ever since. But today I finally got the opportunity to exact some karma :)

I was in a department store, minding my own business, when I hear a familiar voice shriek: "Hi, SD!" I turn around, and to my utter disgust, I see PITA standing in front of me with a smile, as if nothing ever happened. Here is how the rest of the conversation progressed (my thoughts are in italics):

me: (giving a disinterested look) What do you want?

PITA: Oh, nothing, I'm just in here to pick up some things (as if I give a shit), and I just thought I'd come by and say hi.
me: And that you did. Congratulations.

PITA: Well, things are going well at Restaurant.

me: Okay.....and?

PITA: Well, I just thought you wanted to know.

me: Why would I want to know? I don't give a shit about any of you people.

PITA: (coming closer to me, with the Look of Doom) What?!

me: (gently pushing him away) I no longer work for you, so I'm going to say it: You are NOT going to get in MY face when you speak to me, you got it?

PITA: What is your problem?

me: I'm not interested in you or any of those Restaurant freaks. You're selfish and arrogant, for which you have a LOT of nerve, because you're just a manager. I mean...*short chuckle*...it's not like you're somebody!

At that point, PITA starts to get really, really pissed. He tries very hard not to cry as he continues to give me a dirty look, before finally storming off.

me: (extremely satisfied to get the final word) That's right! Go back to your carcasses at Restaurant, I'm sure they miss you, being your only friends!

I floated on Cloud Seventeen checking out my merchandise and going home. I finally got a chance to tell that sexless freak how I felt! And I mean, really, who does he think he is? You'd need an IQ of a fresh turd to manage a restaurant, and an even lower IQ to want a manage a restaurant for the rest of your life!

I hope he cries tonight on his corporate logo'ed pillow.

I, meanwhile, feel great!

For the love of buttfloss, GET LOST!

Cripes on a crotchulent crumb cracker! It's been a while since I've updated, huh? Much apologies!

Now, let's see, what can I bitch about now?

I think I'll make a little wish list...people who should disappear (at least temporarily).

I swear, I can't turn on my TV or my computer without hearing about all this celebricrap. Why? The only people who are interested in this shit are sorority sluts and breeders, and neither of these societal drains matter.

So now, in the futile hopes that the mainstream media will listen to me (ha!), here is my list of people who should disappear (at least until we hear that one of their kids is gay and/or on methodone):

1. Angelina Jolie

I loved, admired, and adored this woman when she performed magnificently in the film Girl, Interrupted. Unfortunately, since she hooked up with Brad Pitt, it's been "Brangelina" this, and "Ambassador" that. Don't get me wrong, I think what she is doing for her adopted children is wonderful, as well as her humanitarian work. Even if her donations are only a small piece of her pie, that money is still worth a great deal to those who need it. But come on, Angie, it's not necessary to steal someone else's husband and whore your kids keep yourself in the headlines. Please give us another amazing performance, we miss you!

2. Will Smith

This cat was a lot of fun on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Goofy, yet smart. He ragged on his cousin Carlton and his Uncle Phil mercilessly, but he genuinely cared for them. And he and DJ Jazzy Jeff made quite the pair. And then...movie stardom got to his head. I remember reading that he would not use curse words in his songs, to honor a request from his grandmother. I am totally okay with that, I respect everyone's personal beliefs as long as they don't interfere with my life. What I am not okay with is inconsistency. Sure, wholesome Will Smith won't swear in his albums, but he has no problem swearing in his movies. I mean, really. Every filmmaker wants this guy; he's money in the bank. You'd think that the producers and directors would accommodate Will's request to tone down the swearing in his films, but---to my knowledge, Will never made any such request while filming any movie. Not that I have a problem if he swears in his movies; I've got quite the sailor mouth myself. But don't say one thing and do another. To intelligent humans, that's not cool. If Alicia Silverstone can convince the crew on her short-lived TV show to make her character vegan, surely Will can make a few adjustments. And I'd have no problem if he temporarily went back to his silly roots, graffiti on the walls and all. You're never too old to be goofy :)

3. Tila Tequila

You know, I think I may be wrong about this young lady. She needn't disappear temporarily. No. Instead, she should be smashed with hammers and be strapped to a rocket sent to the Sun. She's that vile. So she's a bisexual. OoooohoooooHOOOO! Big motherfucking DEAL! As if no other person in this entire world isn't a bisexual! This chica smokes a little cock and munches a little hair pie, and she's deserving of our attention and money? Fuck that! I'll save my attention for a lesbian who has earned my respect, like Rachel Maddow. Honey, if you're reading this: looks and vaginas will only get you so far. They will fade, and they will shrivel. That's the way life goes. Looks are nice, but intelligence and personality are the traits that will win people over. Your fans may not realize it now, but they will when they discover that when they realize they're bagging the groceries of the successful ladies they ignored or picked on in their heyday. So sweetheart, do the thinking world a favor and prance off a cliff. (Nice tats, though...except for the guns)

4. Brooke Hogan

Brooke "Ho"gan is right! For those of you who have not had the displeasure of being aware of this, Brooke Bollea is using the pseudonym of her washed-up, once-famous father, Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea in order to boost her own star quality, if any exists. (Hey hey hey HEY! Shame on you Hulk, watch your hand!) You see, not only is Ho riding on the balcony of the "my daddee yoostabee faymess" train, she also uses her bleached blonde hair and parades her skankaroo body around in next to nothing to leverage her "celebrity" status. Yuck. No, I won't give my time to a common dive bunny. But this girl is a freaking angel when compared to this....(cue Psycho violins)



5. Linda HoganI just threw up in my mouth a little. Okay...this woman is older than my own parents. Why is she dating someone younger than me? Granted, they're both adults and they can do as they wish, but come on! Well, then again, I don't suppose either one can do any better. This woman likely spent her young adulthood skanking around, so she doesn't have any real qualities a woman her age should have. So she has to stretch her youth for as long as possible: the bleached hair, the fake tits, the tan, the twentysomething clothes. Sadly, Mrs. Ho is not stretching very well. There are plenty of women who can stretch their youth (Alley Mills is a good example). But this woman's stretching is akin to silly putty; making an already bad product worse. Please, for the love of Jebus, take your teenager-gallivanting elsewhere! It's like picturing someone's dear, sweet grandma with a scaling tan and a string bikini!

6. Miley Cyrus

Unbelievable. I do a google image search for this girl (not woman, not even young lady----girl), and what did I find? Myspace slut-like pics (none nearly as tasteful as this pic here)! I did not post it here, because frankly, I don't put on a show for pedos. Prostitot aside...when will this ridiculous Hannah Banana Montana Alabama fad end?! Even Lizzie McGuire didn't last as long! I honestly think that she may have had the favor (and pleasure) of fading into obscurity if it weren't for her lunkhead, hillbilly father riding on her coattails. For those of you who are lucky not to be old enough to remember, Billy Ray Cyrus is the cretin responsible for the awesomely bad "Achy Breaky Heart." And it spawned a dance fad! Thank goodness it was only a one-hit wonder. But I digress; most of the sane world had forgotten about "Achy Breaky" until this simpleton came along! Fortunately, I have never watched a "Hannah Montana" episode nor have I heard any of her songs. But I can't escape her! She's on TV! The Internet! Lunch Boxes! Bed sheets! What next? Hannah Montana tampons? Hannah Montana douche? ("Feel that Montana breeze!") And we all know that "30 is the new 20," so it's going to take decades before we can get rid of her! But, in all seriousness, I do have something to say: You're still young, and you do have potential. Please don't go the way of Parasite Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. You are annoying, but you can do better.

7. Pete Wentz
Oh, god. "Dewchebaggery" at its finest. Pete, first of all, you look like a big toe. You dress like a 14-year-old girl. You make your money by stealing the thunder of the lead singer of your crappy band (whose name you stole unoriginally, by the way, from The Simpsons), pretending to be emo (which is pretty stupid to begin with), and wearing more makeup than a French prostitute. Tell me, young man, what do you have to say for yourself? What do you think you've accomplished that makes you so special? Ohhhhh. Now I get it. You knocked up and eventually married an equally untalented lip syncer who happens to be riding the coattails of her dumb-as-a-squash-with-a-butt-chin sister! Wow! Good for you! Congratulations! You make me sick.

Trust me, there are plenty more people I'd love to add to this list. Some of you may be asking, "Why not include Sarah Palin?" Well, most of the world has already expressed their opinion of this waste of a human being, and she's not worthy to grace my blog. Not now, anyway ;)

Now that I've gotten the ugliness out of the way, let's take a moment to recognize those who have earned my respect :)

1. Seth Rogen

~*sigh*~ Quite possibly, one of the coolest men on the planet! Yes, his films are hilarious, notably, Superbad. But to really appreciate his work, one must look past the crude humor and see the story. You can tell that the heart is there. And even if you can't, who cares? How many of you can say that you've written a successful script by age 15? And, as superficial as it sounds, he's a hottie! The softer side is always more attractive! Nobody wants to make love to a washboard! Ack---losing myself. Anyway, Seth, you're great :) Just thought you should know!

2. John Waters

This man completely rules. I've enjoyed his films since I was 5 (starting with Hairspray, of course! I didn't get into his earlier works until I was MUCH older!), and I will likely enjoy his work until I die. Hey, I'll even enjoy his work while I'm burning in Hell! His earlier work, such as Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, and Polyester went in directions that most directors won't even touch, even in 2008. And even though The Great John Waters is in his 60s, it won't stop him from enjoying life and having fun! Even though his modern films are much, much tamer than his earlier films, they still have that Baltimore Waters charm. My words won't do it justice; I advise you to see his movies to see what I mean. John Waters, you rule.

3. George Carlin

Okay, my intent for this entire blog was to include only the living, but I'm sorry, I cannot leave out the genius that was George Carlin. He was a success in his own right, telling the world what he really thought and not giving a shit if anyone was offended. He was funny because he was right. And morons like Bill O'Rubmybelly just didn't get it. He and Bill Hicks were the great ones. Yes, their words and their gift of laughter live on, and I hate to sound greedy, but couldn't it have lived a little longer? Why George Carlin? Why not the congealed mass of stupid that is Dane Cook? George Carlin: RIP, Rip 'em In Pieces! If Fred "Skeletor" Phelps is right about Carlin burning in Hell, I'm sure he's giving Satan some laughs :)

4. Dennis Kucinich

My dream politician. Someone who is concerned about animal rights. Someone who sees the unnecessary danger of firearms. Someone who sees how absolutely ridiculous the War in Iraq is. Someone who wants to bring back the Fairness Doctrine. Someone who supports same-sex marriage. Someone who is in favor of the access of healthcare for all citizens. Someone who actually gives a damn about the people he is serving! We could have had the swell pleasure and pride to call this man our president, but sadly, the American people aren't ready. Not just conservatards, but liberals as well. And you know what, that's okay. It would be a bit of an adjustment, considering the 8-year fuckcluster we just lived through. If (hopefully when) Obama takes office, it will take us on a nice transition to a better America. If America is supposed to be the greatest nation on Earth, the most envied, the richest, etc., then why do so many aspire to live in Canada, England, France, or elsewhere? If you want your taxpayers to stay and represent your country in the way it deserves to be represented, you've got to give them their due.

Believe me, there are plenty more people I admire, and I'd love to include them, but I'll save it for another time. I'm a little beat, and a few people are dying to see this blog. Again, I apologize for my sabbatical, but I'll be back very soon. Mwahaha. Ha.

6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth

I cried. Tears of fear? A little. Tears of fulfillment? Nah. Tears of undeniable humor? Oh hells to the yes!

Credit goes to this wonderful site of wonderment. The Social Deviant is madly in love. Thank you.

Waffle House is KING!!!

You think I'm lying? I'm not! Waffle House has to be one of the greatest restaurants ever!

Yeah, yeah, I know. "SD! But...you're a liberal! You're a vegetarian! How could you?!"

Now, now....settle down, my children. I have not turned conservative (fuck no!), nor have I started eating meat again. Here, I will list the magnificent joys of this...this...HEAVEN! (And when you see why I love this place, you will, too!)

*The waffles are out of this world. They're soft, slightly sweet, and melt in your mouth. Best ever. Nobody even comes close. IHOP, you say? Fuck IHOP! Pancakes are lame, anyway!

*They're open 24 hours! Yeah, your beloved IHOP is also open 24/7 (in most places). But let's be real. If you need a 3 am dinner, or if you've just enjoyed a night of partying, what's the first place you think of going? Waffle House! Again...fuck IHOP and everyone who likes IHOP.

*It's cozy! You come in, you sit your ass down, and you chillax. Oh! Oh..you don't get to chillax at IHOP? You have to wait a million years for the disinterested hostess to seat you? Awww. Only a few booths at Waffle House, which means that the staff is able to be more attentive to your wants and needs? IHOP? Hey, forget about it!

*The HASHBROWNS! With it's smothered, covered, diced, peppered, capped goodness! Pure comfort food.

*The clientele! Especially in the middle of the night! The drunks and rednecks that come in and talk junk are a riot! And it almost always ends up as an altercation and/or an eviction from the restaurant by the manager. Free entertainment, you can't beat that! Really, you'd have to go to a Waffle House at 2 am to see what I mean!

*The staff! They're very nice, very hard-working people. At least to me. Bernadette at the IHOP? Did she refill your coffee without an attitude? Didn't think so.

*The sentimental value. Yes, I'll admit it. I've spent a couple of middle-of-the-night dinners at Waffle House with a special someone. It sounds weird, but I think I have more special memories at Waffle House (and other cheapy restaurants) than at the fancy, needlessly expensive places. Hell, one couple adores Waffle House so much, they did this! (Not something I would do, but hey, to each his own.)

And there you have it. Waffle House rules. If you disagree, you suck.

p.s. I don't hate IHOP. I just prefer a certain other restaurant over IHOP. You probably don't have the foggiest idea what restaurant it is, do you? Mwahaha.

An open letter from a hater.

Dear Chick-Fil-A:


Kindly get the fuck over yourself. You are a fast food joint. You can offer a dessert menu in that oh-so-cute little leather booklet all you want to, you are still a fast food joint. (BTW, doesn't leather clash with the philosophy of your dyslexic Cow mascot? Hmmm....) You can carry a tray of carrot salad to all the breeders' tables that you want to, you are still a fast food joint. You can impress all the entitled, Oprah-salivating, Croc-wearing, coupon-wielding breeders that you want with that humongous pepper grinder, you are still a fast food joint. You can brag about how "healthy" your foods are all you want to, you're still a fast food joint. Just because you use real chicken, and make lemonade with real lemon, doesn't make it healthy. You use enough sugar in both your lemonade and your iced tea to recreate Santa's workshop at the North Pole. And your beloved "Chikin" is loaded with sodium. So don't front. You are a fast food joint. Oh, but please, please continue to gloss over that fact by calling yourself a "Quick Service Restaurant." It only makes you look foolish. Because you know, I know, and your bestest buddy Jeebus knows that you are a fast food restaurant.


Oh, and managers...chill the fuck out. I swear, whenever one customer comes in, it's like a code blue at the hospital! You practically scramble every single employee from every corner of the universe, just to take this poor schmuck's order, and he hasn't even decided what he wants yet! Nobody will have a heart attack if you don't fellate them right away. This is not the sinking of the goddamn Titanic. Relax.


End.

35 minutes...or you're fired!

Why did I put this .jpg here? Meh, I felt like it.

Anyway....I didn't think my job could be any more ridiculous. What? I didn't!

It was a very slow night, so I was milling around, doing menial chores...I was that bored. All of a sudden, my dork manager is in front of me, informing me of some new rule. I silently sigh, expecting to hear something ridiculous.

"Okay, what's the new rule?" I ask.

"All employees are now mandated to take 35-minute breaks," the manager explains. "If you take a break that is less than 35 minutes, that puts you in a terminable position."

I didn't think I heard him correctly.

"Wait....what?"

"Your break has to be 35 minutes, no less. If you take a break that is less than 35 minutes, you can lose your job."

*Blink*

"We really like you a lot, SD," the manager says with pleading eyes, "Please don't put yourself in this position."

I, still in disbelief, press on: "What if we take 30-minute breaks, right down to the minute?"

"If your break is less than 35 minutes, then that is the factor that can cost you your job."

"Okay," I say, still in shock, "What happens if we go over 35 minutes, say, 37 minutes?"

The manager repeats, "If your break is under 35 minutes, you get fired."

I manage to stand there before uttering, "Umm....thanks for letting me know."

"Hey, my pleasure," the manager says before making his "new rule" speech to other employees.

After two minutes, while the manager is updating the rest of the crew, I go up to him, trying my hardest not to laugh, and say, "Hold on, Manager. This has to be a joke." The manager looks at me with the most serious face I've ever seen and says, "SD, look at my face." Gee, do I have to? "I am not laughing. This is serious." I start to lose my resolve, and while I unsuccessfully try to hide my smirk, I say, "This is the most backwards thing I have ever heard!" Now the manager was starting to get impatient. He says my name with a stonier look and an even stonier voice, as if he's about to lecture me. I interrupt him and say, "No, no, no---I understand that rules are rules. It's just that I've never been in trouble for being early." "All right," the manager says, desperate to get away from me, "as long as you understand."

The reason that the owner of my workplace is mandating 35-minute breaks is to keep the Department of Labor satisfied. In the past, employees have been miscalculating their break times, coming back 29 minutes early. Technically, this is illegal by DOL standards. The owner wants to make sure that all employees abide by the rules so his business is safe, and that is completely understandable.

What is not understandable, however, is the immediate firing of anyone who goes under 35 minutes. I could agree with progressive discipline (verbal warning, written warning, suspension, termination), but not outright termination. Basically, if someone loses track of the time, and if they clock in just a few seconds shy of 35 minutes (because our clocks only record minutes, not seconds), that person is at risk of losing their livelihood. It's kind of extreme, in my opinion.

Plus, employees lose money from it. Let's just say a full-time employee (like me) works 5 days a week, and takes one 35-minute break a day. Compared to the previous 30-minute mandated break, that's an extra 25 minutes a week, and an extra 50 minutes every pay cycle. So I'm losing close to an hour's pay on each paycheck. It may not seem like much, but it does add up. That's money that I could be putting in my gas tank, money that I could use to buy groceries, or money that I could use for my own personal benefit.

So...yeah. Never a dull moment here; every time I think this place couldn't be any more silly, they always surprise me!

Oh no, I didn't! Oh yes, I did!

*sigh* What. A. Day.

I really don't think I have encountered so much rudeness in one day in my entire life. Here's what happened:

*I'm at the register during a lunch rush about to assist a couple, but as they come to my station, 4 little brats, summoned by their dopey father, come to me with coupons in hand, begging for their free ice creams. I summon the couple, who look pretty pissed about being disrespected (rightfully so), as they make a hand motion that gives me permission to service these little shits first. The kids keep yelling, "We want ice cream! We want ice cream!" So I reply, "Here's what's going to happen. I will get you your ice cream, but first, I am going to help these people first, because they were nice enough not to cut in line!" And with that, I summon the couple, who look pleasantly surprised. The children were crestfallen for the three minutes before I handed them their ice creams. The dad didn't really care either way, he was staring out in space sipping his god-awful sweet tea (oh, you Southerners!).

*During this same lunch rush, 10 minutes later, a 10-year-old boy comes to me with his free ice cream coupon. I give him the ice cream. He stares at the ice cream with disdain, gives me a dirty look, then walks away. Oh hell no! I immediately leave my station, not giving a damn if it's busy, and go straight to the table where the boy and his mother are (and another woman, probably another moo friend of hers). I say, "Your son was rude and gave me a dirty look. The two cows proceed to laugh. "It's not funny," I reply sternly. As soon as the moos shut up, I turned to the boy and said sharply, "If you don't want the ice cream, then give it back to me....now!" The boy hesistantly hands the ice cream to me. I snatch it, and return to my post. At that point, I wouldn't have cared if I got a complaint, and surprisingly, I didn't. It's ironic, because breeders are usually the first people to bitch when someone hurts their pweshus Aiden's feelings.

*Later that evening, when it wasn't too busy, I tried to be as friendly as possible to this toothless, hillbilly couple with a baby. I said, in my friendliest voice, "Hi, how are you today?" "Would you care for a refill?" "Is there anything I can get for you?" The husband was polite to me, his moo cow wife just kind of stared at me. Maybe she was high on moonshine, I don't know. When I noticed the moo getting up to leave with her baby, I was about to wish her a good night until I noticed that she left her table completely trashed. I said, "Thanks so much for cleaning up! I'd love to see your house sometime!" The moo continued to go out the door, ignoring me.

*After my shift, I decided to go to McDonald's for their fries. I needed cheap and quick food, and since I am a veggie, this is the only palatable food at McDonald's (at least to me). So I go to the register and order a large fry from the indifferent cashier, and then I sit down with my food. 2 minutes later, I realize that I do not want to eat in a dirty restaurant with screaming kids, so I put my fries in the paper bag, then put it in my purse. As I leave, I notice the cashier pointing to me and saying to her coworker, quite loudly, "That fat girl ate all those fries so fast!" Oh hell fuck no! I march up to the counter to the cashier and say, "Excuse me, young lady, what was that?" The cashier flings her long, fake nails and says, "I jussaid you ate the food all fast and errthang, dassawl." "'That fat girl,' right?" I say. The cashier just rolls her eyes and scoffs. I reply, "And that's why you're going to be working here for the rest of your life, because of your fucking attitude!" As the cashier's eyes widen with shock, I, using very deliberate movements, take the fries out of my purse and and pour them on the counter. "You can eat these crusty fries. Maybe you'll eat them faster than I did!" And with that, I storm out, all while hearing the cashier complain about having to clean up the mess. I didn't even bother asking for my $1.75 back. Mature of me? No. Classless? Maybe. Deserved? Oh hell yes!

Lately I've just been having this "I don't give a fuck" attitude, and I wasn't going to let a bunch of morons get away with being assholes. Nope.