This woman is my new grandma!

What? Don't give me that look. I was born with 2 grandmas, 2 great-grandmas, and a great-great-grandma. I can have as many grandmas as I want! Ptooie! And I want this one!

This is, without a doubt, the coolest elderly woman in the world. No, no...the Universe!

Here's a linky. But if you're lazy, like me, here's what she wrote:

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well it’s NOT you girl…

Look. I am going to say what everyone at CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC is thinking but is afraid to say. Governor Palin is a stupid, conniving bitch. And it’s not because she is a strong woman - I like strong women… worship them… It’s actually the opposite. She is a weak, pathetic woman who thinks big hair, winking, baby talk and self deprecation is somehow becoming of a woman who wants to lead the free world. My god, where is Margaret Thatcher when you need her!

But what really makes me mad is the hypocrisy. She claims to be a Washington outsider and yet is the worst kind of politician. She will say anything and avoid answering any question instead choosing to spout whatever line or soundbite some adviser put into her mouth a few hours earlier. And exactly when did sounding like a hick make someone “more like us”. Last time I checked we were a country striving to educate our children to be intelligent and honest. I think I would die if my daughter came home from school and said something like “I gotta tell ya. Change is a comin’.” At the very least I would remove the Beverly Hillbillies from her approved TV viewing list.

And then there is Alaska. Have any of you been to Alaska recently? Although the largest State geographically, it has less than a million people - about 700,000. (The city I live in now is bigger. )Fewer population issues exist for lawmakers to address. And because they make so much money from the oil companies, the Alaskan government actually gives it citizens an annual dividend check (this year $3,200). Exactly what Governor wouldn’t be popular under those circumstances? No wonder they can afford to elect a governor who ony has an undergraduate degree in journalism and a few beauty pageant awards. By the way, when you got that journalism degree did they teach you that some journalists actually ask hard questions like what newpapers do you read?

Fact: Sarah Palin is stupid. Maybe not stupid by Alabama standards but stupid enough that she managed to get herself elected Governor while never bothering to educate herself on little things like the Constitution, foriegn affairs or appropriate debating practices. She is stupid enough to have accepted a VP nomination for which she is completely unqualified and stupid enough not to admit it - even though the future of our great nation could be irreversibly damaged by the decision.

When exactly do we all get to call “bullshit”?

She loves to talk about being a mother but the last time I checked, having your newborn on national TV at 11PM instead of in bed wasn’t considered “good muthering“. Neither was making your child’s unexpected teen pregnancy the talk of the nation because you desperately wanted to be a politician in Washington DC - or isn’t that exactly what you said you didn’t want. From where I sit, it appears you would sell your soul for the position. Kind of the way that Elizabeth girl on The View sold her soul for fame. Please god get her off the airwaves - she became famous because she ate a rat… but I digress…

Oh and my favorite - my husband Todd (the first dude) and I sit around the kitchen table wondering about the cost of college like many of you… oh really. Your oldest son went from high school into the military. Your next oldest is pregnant with plans to be married to some hockey jock at age 17. Seems to me you’ve got lots of time before you have to worry about college tuition especially being college doesn’t seem to be a priority in your family.

You refuse to give live interviews and then whine when your taped interviews get edited. Then you have a chance to be live in front of the nation during a debate and you respond by not answering the questions (proudly not answering the questions I might add) but rather by reading the cue cards given to you by a group of white old men who sold their souls to the political system when you were in…. I don’t know - 2nd grade maybe. Your insulting to a United States Senator who is so respected that his home state has elected him to office 6 times. And while I am on the subject of the debate - shame on Gwen Ifell for not making her answer the questions. Damn I miss Tim Russert.

Sarah Palin is an ignorant, ranting, whining bitch. There I said it. But lots more are thinking it.

Please take your ridiculous hair, your over lipstick-smacking mouth, your Lenscrafter look smarter glasses and your poorly fitted designer jackets back to Alaska. And when you get there, shove a piece of the pipeline up your considerable ass. I’ll be damned if we’ll put our children’s future in your hands. And the same thing goes for McCain - the ass wipe who gave her this national platform effectively pushing the woman’s movement back into the dark ages - knowing McCain that might have been his plan all along.

Another Linky

Sarah Silverman wins at life :)

Enough said. Enjoy!

Follow the Pied Piper of Bullshitland :)

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If any of my fellow bloggers are interested in following me, please do :) I added the "followers" widget, so who knows, you may be famous ;)

Who needs a farm when you've got Golden Corral?

It was one of those days, my friends. I was tired. I was pissy. I had a veritable buttload of things to do that I hadn't even touched. And worst of all...I was hungry. If anyone knows me, they should know that I like food (well, good food, anyway). But seeing as I was too lazy and irritable to drive to a decent city, I'd have to find some low-grade cattle feed in my boring ass town. So after a bit of thinking, I bite the bullet and say to myself, "Fuck it, I'll just fill up on veggies at Golden Corral." And as I'm driving there, I suddenly remembered the type of folk who dine at such lovely establishments. And a wide grin creeps across my face. I'm in for some cheap laughs, and nobody loves a cheap laugh more than I!

As I'm about to turn the corner into the parking lot, I wonder if people are busy shopping at nearby Belk department store, as it looks very full. When I drive a little closer, however, I can see that the cars are for Golden Corral! No shit! You'd think I was at a Wal-Mart! And most of these vehicles are of the pick-up truck/minivan/SUV variety. I park my car (far away, of course), and chuckle my way past the McCain/Palin-stickered atrocities.

Now, I go up to the counter to pay for my meal. The server looked like she suffered through 8 generations of inbreeding. No shit. I thought she was going to start drooling when she looked at me with her dead eyes and asked in a slow, Southern drawl, "Yew want lunch or dinner?" Me: "I'll have lunch, please." "Yew wanna drank?" "Umm...Dr. Pepper." And then she told me my total, I gave her the money, and she gave me my receipt, her expression not changing whatsoever. It was not unlike this fellow:





So...after that pleasant exchange of words, I grab my plate and get my food. I swear, I must have been the only person in the whole place that didn't waddle. After I get my salad, I notice a large, angry woman looking derisively at the chicken, then asking the cook which one is a breast, when it's clear that there are only thighs and legs. At that point, she marches to a manager and bellows, "Where are the chicken breasts? You people used to make chicken breasts for me!" Yeah, lady. This huge place is going to interrupt smooth flow of business just for your fat ass. I almost wanted to say, "If you want chicken breast, take your fat, entitled ass home and cook it yourself!" But no...I wanted to thoroughly enjoy this experience. I sure do love seeing large, middle-aged women taking a break from their quilting and scrapbooking to eat bland, substandard food from a can.

Next, when I go up to get some more low-quality food, it takes me a little longer than usual, because I have to wait for the tubbs to get the fuck out of the way. Seriously. It's as if you're not allowed to talk about how you came to pick the meatloaf and lima beans unless you're standing in the way. FUCKING MOVE!!! The seniors at the table across from me can talk about their children on probation at their table, why can't you?

After topping my meal off with ice cream that is worse than Breyer's (yes, it's possible), I go to leave and the line is literally out the door of people who are about to have dinner! Breeders and seniors and bubbas, oh my! Thank hell I came early, or I'd really be pissed!

Yeah, Golden Corral is a moo cow paradise, and the food will make your stomach sink into the pits of oblivion, but it was worth it. Hey, whenever you're feeling bad about yourself, have lunch here! You will feel like a new person!

Yeah, I took your stork space. So what?

Why? Why does someone with a sperm infection deserve to have a parking space any more than the elderly or the handicapped? Pregnancy is NOT a handicap (at least not one that deserves a parking space)!

I usually like to park in what my friend refers to as "Buttfuck, Egypt." And why not? I'll find a space quickly, I'll know where my car is (I am one of those people who oftens forgets where she parks), and I'll get some much-needed exercise! I really don't understand why people waste time, gas, and frustrations trying to find the closest space possible, especially since there are plenty of spaces toward the back. Often these fools are minivan or SUV drivers. Lazy asses.

And while I like to park far away, if I see a stork parking space, I will gladly go out of my way to park there. They're not enforced by the city, county, or state, and if I park there, the worst that will happen is my privilege of shopping at XYZ mart being revoked (and we just can't have that, boyhowdydoody!). Soooo...if I see it, I will park there. I don't understand why other people without kids in tow don't do the same.

Well, today, I felt like getting some junk food, so I decided to go to a fast-food restaurant for some fries, and what do I see? A stork space! The sharp right I made nearly tipped my means of transportation over, but it was worth it :) And what's more, this place happened to be packed with breeders and their quivering crotchboogers! As a couple of little jerks ran back and forth down the aisles screaming like little orangutans, I wondered if I would get any dirty looks or confrontations.

After my less-than-stellar meal, I headed toward my car, and I couldn't help but notice who parked right next to me...the disheveled moo with the monkey-like cuntpancakes, looking quite perturbed. She mutters, "I don't know who parked in this space..." before noticing my unlocking the door. "Excuse me!" she says to me quite curtly.

me (with a shit-eating grin, clearly about to enjoy the excitement): "Yes, ma'am, how can I be of assistance?"

moo cow: "Do you realize you're parked in the stork parking?"

me (looking at the sign for a while, then looking at her): "Heh. I sure did. So what?"

moo cow (who at this point cannot believe I didn't bow down to her Royal Vagina which has squished out slimy germcakes): "So what?! So you can't park there!"

me: "I don't see your name on the sign, either, sweetheart."

moo cow (marching toward the sign): "Don't get smart with me. It says right there, clear as day, 'Reserved for the expecting or those with toddlers.' Do you have any toddlers?"

me: "No, but I am expecting."

moo cow: "But you're not far along enough to even park here."

me (reading the sign): "'Reserved for the expecting.' I'm expecting. Therefore, I parked here."

moo cow (looking and feeling foolish): "Oh. So...when are you due?"

me (breaking into laughter): "Nah, I'm just yankin' your chain, honey. I had an abortion 2 weeks ago. Cleared that problem right up!"

moo cow (red fury emerging in her face): "How dare you? How fucking dare you?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!"

me (thrilled by this woman's idiocy): "The childfree woman who took your coveted space."

moo cow (derisively): "Oh, you're one of those people. You have absolutely no right to park here, and you know it!"

me (still smiling): "Write me a tot-ticket. Send me to breeder court. Make me pay a kinderfine. Oh, wait, my taxes already take care of your kids. So I think I'll be using this space more often."

moo cow (very, very pissed): "That's it. That is fucking IT! I'm taking your license plate number, and I'm reporting it to the police!"

me (laughing): "Please do. And while you're at it, tell them what a shining example you've been to me in front of your children. The police work very hard, so they could use the laugh. So what do you do for a living?"

moo cow (realizing that she's losing): "You know what? Fuck you!" (At that point, she harshly gathers her kids and nearly shoves them in her minivan)

me: "I will, with a condom!"

And with that, I make very deliberate moves in my car, and all the while, she angrily slams her driver door, starts the ignition, and leaves the parking lot like a bat out of hell.

Oh, you breeders. You think you're so entitled. And why not? You've got it all: the tax breaks, the programs for children, you can cut in line at Wal-Mart and not have anyone tell you off, and many other breeder perks. And really...this bitch was one, ONE parking space away from me. Was it really that much of a hardship to park sooooooo far away?

My fellow CFers, don't be afraid. Use those stupid stork spaces, they don't need nor deserve them! And if you're with your SO or spouse, take his/her hand and skip merrily into the venue while breeders give you the evil eye. Trust me, it's super fun!

Childfree news!! Childfree news!!

Is it news that I am childfree? Nah....I've been pretty vocal in my distaste for the bitter, disgusting truth that is mawmeehud.

However, it has been pretty tricky to find reliable, positive news about the childfree...until now!

Say hello to All The Childfree News!

To any childfree bloggers out there, you are likely responsible for this leg of alltop being born (pun intended), so pat yourselves on your well-deserved backs!

And extra kudos goes to my good friend, S2 do life, for making the website possible.

So read, enjoy, and don't forget to drop by and give your thanks!

You fucked with the WRONG woman!

For those of you that don't know, I finally left my bullshit job. I just could not take it anymore. The other employees are stuck-up Christians who think they're better than anyone who doesn't go to church, and the managers think they're freaking CEOs!

On my last day, I just couldn't take it anymore. It got really busy, some idiot left a piece of equipment in the middle of the floor, so I tripped and hurt myself, I had to take care of all the customers in the dining room alone while hurt, and nobody bothered to help me. Toward the end of my shift, PITA (you remember PITA, right? He's mentioned here and here.) takes me to the back of the office to complain about the lack of cleanliness in the dining room. I say, "Well, some idiot left a piece of equipment in the middle of the floor CARELESSLY, and I got hurt, and I had to do what I could alone. I didn't see any of you offer to help me." At that point, PITA stammers for a bit and says, "Um...well....we assumed that you could do it." Bullshit. At that point, PITA threatens to suspend me for a week, so I say, "You know what? You can eat your suspension," and I walk out. I only return the following week to pick up my check.

I've hated them ever since. But today I finally got the opportunity to exact some karma :)

I was in a department store, minding my own business, when I hear a familiar voice shriek: "Hi, SD!" I turn around, and to my utter disgust, I see PITA standing in front of me with a smile, as if nothing ever happened. Here is how the rest of the conversation progressed (my thoughts are in italics):

me: (giving a disinterested look) What do you want?

PITA: Oh, nothing, I'm just in here to pick up some things (as if I give a shit), and I just thought I'd come by and say hi.
me: And that you did. Congratulations.

PITA: Well, things are going well at Restaurant.

me: Okay.....and?

PITA: Well, I just thought you wanted to know.

me: Why would I want to know? I don't give a shit about any of you people.

PITA: (coming closer to me, with the Look of Doom) What?!

me: (gently pushing him away) I no longer work for you, so I'm going to say it: You are NOT going to get in MY face when you speak to me, you got it?

PITA: What is your problem?

me: I'm not interested in you or any of those Restaurant freaks. You're selfish and arrogant, for which you have a LOT of nerve, because you're just a manager. I mean...*short chuckle*...it's not like you're somebody!

At that point, PITA starts to get really, really pissed. He tries very hard not to cry as he continues to give me a dirty look, before finally storming off.

me: (extremely satisfied to get the final word) That's right! Go back to your carcasses at Restaurant, I'm sure they miss you, being your only friends!

I floated on Cloud Seventeen checking out my merchandise and going home. I finally got a chance to tell that sexless freak how I felt! And I mean, really, who does he think he is? You'd need an IQ of a fresh turd to manage a restaurant, and an even lower IQ to want a manage a restaurant for the rest of your life!

I hope he cries tonight on his corporate logo'ed pillow.

I, meanwhile, feel great!