How to Get A Job in Florida

Welcome to the Sunshine State!

I'm sure that you've heard about what Florida has to offer: the warm weather, the many beaches, the fun theme parks, no income tax, and enough churches to make you take a crap that looks like the Virgin Mary. You've seen the best, and welcome to the rest!

Now, if you're going to find employment in this state, there are a few guidelines that you must follow. If you follow them, you will succeed in finding a job. And these guidelines are as follows:

1. You may not have more than 8 teeth.

2. Your belly must exceed at least one foot past your legs.

3. Your name must go along the lines of: Jethro, Elmer, Alveeta, Tanquanishanay, Del Monte, Hennessy, Alma Jean, Tanqueray, or any other name that will doom you in the North.

4. You must have a minimum of 4 children.

5. You may not, under any circumstance, have any more education than a high school diploma. A diploma is considered the zenith of educational attainment around here, and that's the way it's going to stay.

6. Atheists are bad, evil people. They pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous ooze. (Thank you, Mr. Garrison!) If you even associate yourself with one of these...these...scum...then you can absolutely forget about finding work here.

7. And while we're on that note, this is God's country. We're all Christians here. Stick with us, and you'll go far.

8. We accept no back talk from anyone. There's none of this "sticking up for yourself" business. You will bend over for your corporate masters and you will like it.

9. You will treat your shift manager at Chick-Fil-A with the utmost respect. He worked his everloving butt off to become sixth-in-command at this location, and don't you ever forget it!

10. You're better off having severe schizophrenia than you are being a homosexual. Don't even try it.

11. It is acceptable to have a partner or spouse outside of your race, but don't volunteer this information. God help you if you do. You will catch hell from both sides (*note: Yes, I really did.)

12. You must be a Nascar fan. No exceptions. Anyone who sees Nascar as the pointless, boring, ridiculous waste of money and space that it is is not worthy of employment.

13. If you are a vegetarian, you will be relegated to the nearest hospital and/or All-You-Can-Eat BBQ smokehouse until you get it through your thick skull that you need meat to survive.

14. Don't ever take your coworker to the Olive Garden or Red Lobster unless you plan on proposing marriage. These are the highest of high-end restaurants and should only be used for special occasions.

15. The childfree are not welcome. Period. Either slide God's little treasure through your blessed snatch or get the fuck out.

16. You will need to adjust your accent accordingly. I suggest speaking in a slow, ignorant drawl. None of this fast-talking, coherent, articulate talk around here. If a Floridian needs a dictionary or thesaurus, you need to dumb it down a bit.

17. Don't brag about how the North is much more tolerant than the South. Everybody knows it's true, including Floridians. They don't want to be reminded of how much they suck.

18. You will offer cuts in line to every fat, lazy, harried breeder with 3 dirty, sticky, unruly children. She did God's duty by having kids, and she is better than you for it.

19. Trade your Honda in for an American car! What's wrong with you, don't you love America?!

20. You may not watch, trust, or even discuss CNN, MSNBC, or Comedy Central. Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, and Jon Stewart are all banes on this great nation of ours. They don't even come close to real Americans. And that Stephen Colbert...tsk. He thinks he's funny, but trust me, he's not. Fox News is the only trusted, reliable, fair, and balanced news outlet out there...period. You need to take cues from heartfelt Americans like Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

21. Don't you ever, and I mean, EVER, diss George W. Bush. He saved our nation from terrorism, I tell you Hwhat. But feel free to bash Obama all you like. Yes, Florida was blue this past election, and some Floridians are embarrassed that their fellow citizens allowed it to become so. They just cannot believe that a Hussein is in the White House. (Translation: they can't believe that a Black Man is leading their country...but don't ever say that to them. You will surely doom your chances of employment by exposing their true feelings.)

22. You must support the war. No questions asked. Don't even dare to question the unreasonable killing of innocent civilians and hard-working, patriotic soldiers.

23. You must be familiar with at least 10 country musicians and at least 5 songs from each artist. If you don't know who Sugarland is, then you have no business being in Florida

24. You will treat bikers like legendary kings or pay the price. Harley enthusiasts are the lifeblood of this place. Remember that.

25. You will only bathe every 4 days, comb your hair every week, and brush your teeth only once a month.

26. As a Floridian employee, you will treat each customer with disdain, disinterest, and you will be just plain rude. You will make the customer care about your little problems, like your baby daddy sleeping with your sister. Remember: we only give a damn about the customer if they have money, and sometimes not even then.

And...I think that about covers it! Once again, welcome to Florida, and good luck on the job search! Before you know it, you will be settled into a cushy $7.00/hr job as a call center customer service representative, the job you've wanted all your life!

You people worship me.

Bask in my greatness, as depicted by one of my favorite fictional characters:

ScrewTube

YouTube, sadly, has become the Adult Swim of the Internet: it used to be cutting edge and fun. Now it's just plain retarded. Granted, there are a few videos there that are informative (such as how-to videos in terms of crafting, cooking, etc.), and maybe a few videos that are entertaining, but most of it is just a waste of perfectly good time and space. Here's an idea of the overview of YouTube:

But the main problem with YouTube is their unfair targeting of certain videos. My friend (for privacy's sake, let's call her Shelly) creates fanvids in her spare time, and she used to post them on YouTube to share with other fans. That is, until YouTube kept deleting her videos and then her account altogether. Apparently, her fanvids were a violation of some copyright. So bits and pieces of material are a cause for a possible lawsuit, but other videos of even more copyrighted material is A-OK. She doesn't understand why she is targeted and not others who have more offensive and more illegal videos.

According to the law, fan creations should not violate copyright laws. They should, like parodies, be under "fair use" laws. Here is the article that proves it.

Shelly, like any rational person, decided to create her own fanvid page as a big, fat "Fuck you" to YouTube. Check it out, it's pretty cool. :)

So there you have it. YouTube, either allow copyrighted material or don't. It's not fair to single out whoever may have the littlest bit of a chance of a lawsuit falling on your ass. Get with it. And quit with the stupid RickRoll and Hampster videos...nobody gives a shit anymore.

Number Two...in more ways than one.

Oops! In my haste to make up for my lack of updating, I forgot to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Sorry! Well....Slappy Poo Beer. Yeah, that works.

Anyway...I have been doing some leisurely thinking (what, you didn't notice that gust of wind?) and my former manager crossed my mind. You remember my nemesis PITA, don't you? If not he graces his presence here, here, and here.

My deal with PITA is this...he is second in command, and he acts like he is the Pope, the King, and the Sheriff. Some shining examples include:

*"Do you think I pay you to _____?" Hmm...that's a thinker. I think I'm going to go with......no. Yeah. My answer is no, because you didn't pay me, and you've never paid me. Until your signature is on my checks, you can get fucked.

*"This is my store." "It's my store." No, and no. Your name is not on the business license, nor is it on the deed. The operator's name isn't even on the deed, he rents the place from the corporation, who owns the store.

*"I'm the boss!" Yes, PITA said this frequently and vocally. To me, it sounds like a 3-year-old who doesn't want to share his toys. "I'm the boss! It's miiiiiiiiiiiiine!" Yes, PITA is an option for a boss, but I could always go over his head. Way over his head. He is not "the boss." If he were, he wouldn't be constantly chewed out by his boss, the operator!

*He wears company-logo attire, even while off the clock. NERD!

*If I ever dared to say that another restaurant's food is better than the food at the restaurant at which he works, I would be asking for the Lecture from Hell. "Their food is garbage, SD." "How can you not like chicken, SD?" "Actually, I think our shakes are better, SD." He would rather eat his restaurant's food than his own mother's cooking. If this isn't a company man, I don't know what is!

I think it's pretty pitiful to act high and mighty when you're only second-in-command of a fucking restaurant. He acts like an executive of a successful corporation, when in reality, these executives are laughing at/pitying him. Oh, and I will take a moment to hit below the belt: he just turned 24, and he has a glaring bald spot. Not only that, he has ginger hair, freckles, a noticeable lisp, and a pumpkin-shaped head. Not a good combo for someone who is balding. I wish I had taken the opportunity to make fun of him for it to his face, but I had to be a little tactful. But now, well, it's just fucking hilarious! Hey, PITA! You drive around in your daddy's Infiniti and spend money you don't have; why not buy some Rogaine and get a bang out of life?

Hatemail! Hatemail!

I was tickled pink to discover a hateful comment from an apparent Radio Shack fan. The wuss declined to make his/her page public, but I will be kind enough to display the name and what was said. It can also be found at this blog.

Asynaka says: Wow, I guess if I worked in a Radio Shack and had to deal with a-holes like you and likely a screaming boss I would shoot myself.
You loss [sic] the high ground when you are an ass to the guy and girl making 7 bucks an hour with some asshole telling them they will lose their job if they don't push these things, if you hate it so much why go into Radio Shack

This comment has dumbassery written all over it.

Number one, Asynaka, I did not put a gun to your head and force you to take a job that involves dealing with assholes like me (*grin*) and a screaming boss. You made that decision for yourself. Suck it up, buttercup. Of course, if you did shoot yourself, I sure as hell wouldn't notice. You can easily be replaced.

Secondly, I lost the high ground. Right. I'm the one making racist comments in order to make a quick buck. I'm the one who is rude to those who don't have a fucking camera/radio/satellite dish in their overpriced phone. Let me tell you something, Assy Caca...I am never rude to a service person unless they are rude to me first. I've worked crap jobs before, and I know how it feels to deal with rude customers and idiot bosses. So I do my best to treat every serviceperson with respect, and I expect that they do the same with everyone that they come in contact with. If some snotshit tells someone making 7 bucks an hour that they will lose their job if they don't push some DVD player, that's not my problem. I don't make the rules, and again, I didn't tell them to take the job. They chose this job, and I won't allow some idiot to take their poor choices out on me. Perhaps they could have an opportunity to keep their jobs by making a sale without using poor people skills. But they didn't. So they lost a customer and possibly their jobs. Their choices, not mine. Oh, well.

Third, if you had bothered to read the blog, you would know that there are other places that I patronize other than Radio Shack. I haven't been to Radio Shack in over a year. I actively avoid going near a Radio Shack.

It sounds to me, Asynaka, that you cannot handle being an adult. Sure, we all have bosses that we hate. I know I did! But it sounds to me that you cannot take responsibility for your actions. So therefore, your opinion means this to me:
But thank you for the laugh! My friends and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Fuck the Bikers!

That's right. I said fuck 'em!

In my state, motorcycles, motorcyclists, and anything that has to do with motorcycles is a BFD (a big fucking deal). All I can say is this:


And why should I give a shit? Oooooh....it's a motorized bicycle! I've never seen any kind of motorized transportation device before! And it's shiny, too! I'm sorry, but I just don't see the appeal.

However, I can see how uninteresting and overrated motorcycles are...until an unfortunate brain omelette occurs on the pavement. Unfortunately, motorcycle accidents are common in this country, especially in my state. I don't wish harm on anyone, and I don't want anyone to get hurt or to lose a loved one, but these lunkheads have brought it on themselves. And no, I don't hate to say it. Here is what I have witnessed:

* Reckless bikers weaving illegally and dangerously between lanes
* Idiot bikers riding at least 90 mph
* Dumbass bikers riding without a helmet

The last one baffles me. In many states, riding with a helmet is required. Not here. Apparently if you have an insurance policy of at least $10,000, you can let the gentle breeze caress your balding scalp. Now, either these people have lived rich and full lives and don't mind dying doing what they love, or they're just plain fucking stupid. I'm betting on the latter. To those who are still unconvinced: your skull is to the pavement as an egg is to concrete. You. Will. Lose. What. Little. Brain. Matter. You. Have. Left.

It seems that everywhere I go, I see bumper stickers saying things like, "Look Twice, Save a Life. Motorcycles are Everywhere." Hmph. Of course, I always drive defensively. But if these special fucking motorcyclists want recognition and special treatment, then they need to treat the other drivers and pedestrians on the road with respect, and to be more careful.

And I still don't care about your bike.

a little English lesson...

Dear morons of the Internet:

I have a wonderful holiday gift for you this year: knowledge.

Your =/= You're

Are =/= Our

Their =/= They're

"Where you at?" =/= "Where are you?"

"This is a picture of Danny and I." =/= "This is a picture of Danny and me."

"Me and Joe are going." =/= "Joe and I are going."

"LyKe ToTaLlY oMg!!!!??!!!!!%&#*(@!!!!!!!" =/= "Wow!"

"If someone did (such and such), then they deserve it!" =/= "If someone did (such and such), then he/she deserves it!"

"Like, I don't know, like, that movie was, like, totally boring, like." =/= "I don't know, that movie was totally boring."

"You got some money?" =/= "Do you have any money?"

"Why you ain't got no socks on?" =/= "Why do you not have on your socks?"

"Skrimp" =/= Shrimp

"Let me get two Whoppers with the Cheeses." =/= "May I please have two Whoppers with Cheese?"

"What you mean you ain't got any?" =/= "What do you mean, you don't have any?"

Sister-in-laws =/= Sisters-in-law



Now, I am not the perfect grammar queen (I am guilty of using the ever-hated "like"), but at least I don't sound like a retarded ape. And some of you people are over the age of 26. Come on, people, use common sense! If it doesn't sound quite right, then it probably isn't!

There, you got a free education. You're welcome.