It's a beautiful day for bitching...

Yeah, yeah, I have no excuse. What can I say, I've been a busy bee and I do have a life outside of the addictive other world known as the Internet. A million apologies now, and a trillion apologies for the future.

With that said...let's get to bitching :)

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*Okay...so I do a little grocery shopping at the new Super Target near my home. Of course, it's typical Target: 3:00 in the afternoon, 18 registers, and only 2 of them open. There are lines going into the candle aisle. Ridiculous, I say. Eventually, another register opens, and I rush over to use it, but alas, I am beaten by a behemoth with a cart full of crap (read: Hot Pockets, Wonder Bread, Redbook Magazine, etc...). Normally, I'd be annoyed, but I was in no rush, and decided to pass the time by reading a nearby tabloid. I enjoyed the guilty pleasure for all but 5 seconds before Queen Beast begins her mooing:

QB: "I just want to know...the grocery section is on [the east] end. Why do you only have registers open here?" ("Here" being the area between the grocery department and the home/garden department)

cashier (looking and acting like she wants to get this elephant the fuck out of her line): *shrug* "I'm sorry, I don't know."

QB: "Well, it's just more convenient to have registers near the groceries. Some of us don't feel like walking all the way over here."

cashier: *continues to scan Moo Cow's groceries*

QB: *whine*moo*hee haw*

cashier: *scans the crummy groceries at a fantastic speed*

QB: "Say, is your supervisor around?"

**And before you can say "Bitch, try jogging!" a young go-getter who is going to climb that Target career ladder, boy howdy, appears with his eager face, ready to help all his breeders in need.**

Poor Schmuck: "Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?"

QB: "Well....(goes on the same diatribe about how much of a lazy shit she is and how she can't stand to go more than 10 steps without collapsing and gasping for air. I eat Hot Pockets, don't you know how inactive and unhealthy we are?! Give us special treatment!)

PS: *smile quickly fading from his face* Riiiight. I apologize for the inconvenience, ma'am. I'll let the manager know of your concerns.

QB: "Hmph." *and with that she waddles away, but not before holding up a line of now 8 people with her bitching*

me: *under my breath* It's not like she can't use the walk.

cashier: *quietly* I know, right? LOL


I didn't mean for anyone to hear that, but...oh well.

But come on! I mean, really...come...on. No wonder the world thinks less of us. The entire store is not even close to 1/5 of a mile wide! I think you can handle walking a little (with the help of a loaded cart, no less) to the middle of the store from one side. If you would drag your cankles once in a while, then you'd have no reason to bitch so much! Put down the Pork Pocket, and do some fucking jumping jacks, you sow!

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It's an exciting time for animal rights! Vegetarian and veganism is becoming more and more popular, what with gaining more ground in the mainstream market. Now more than ever, we can enjoy cruelty-free accessories, clothes, and food. And speaking of food: lab-grown meat. That's right. According to the latest issue of VegNews magazine (if you don't already subscribe, you should. It's a wonderful publication), researchers hope that by 2020, lab-grown meat will be available in supermarkets. The deal is: it is real meat, which is used not by killing an innocent animal, but by using its cells. The process wouldn't be entirely innocent: animals still would be used in some way, but they would not be slaughtered, and we're hoping that they will be treated humanely. So, it's win-win. Omnivores get their meat, and in turn, hundreds to thousands of animals could be spared.

Well, imagine my discontent when I mention this news to several of my meat-eating friends. I heard the following replies:

"Yeah, but if real meat is still available, I'm going to choose that." (Whatever "real" meat means...as if the lab-grown meat would be imaginary)

"Yuck! That sounds gross." (As if eating chicken fetuses and drinking bovine mammary juice isn't.)

"I don't know, SD. It seems so...artificial." (Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who thinks nothing of downing Sunny Delight--yes, it is delicious, I admit, but I digress--and eating Totino's pizza, which is, quite possibly, the foulest convenience food in existence. But I suppose that's for another blog ;) )

So I say: "So...even though an alternative, which would be real meat, will be available, you'd still choose to eat the meat of a murdered animal?" Not one said anything in favor of the lab-grown meat. Typical.

Normally, I don't judge people on how they eat. At this time, the way a person lives/eats is his or her own damn business. And I will feel the same way in the future. But I can't help but feel sorry for them. I can understand that the whole "lab-grown" deal is a little new and unusual, and may take some time to get used to. But it's also important to have an open mind and to at least educate yourself before making ignorant, judgmental comments. And let's not forget the compassion---get some, assholes.

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Okay, enough preachin'...more bitching to come :)

How to Get A Job in Florida

Welcome to the Sunshine State!

I'm sure that you've heard about what Florida has to offer: the warm weather, the many beaches, the fun theme parks, no income tax, and enough churches to make you take a crap that looks like the Virgin Mary. You've seen the best, and welcome to the rest!

Now, if you're going to find employment in this state, there are a few guidelines that you must follow. If you follow them, you will succeed in finding a job. And these guidelines are as follows:

1. You may not have more than 8 teeth.

2. Your belly must exceed at least one foot past your legs.

3. Your name must go along the lines of: Jethro, Elmer, Alveeta, Tanquanishanay, Del Monte, Hennessy, Alma Jean, Tanqueray, or any other name that will doom you in the North.

4. You must have a minimum of 4 children.

5. You may not, under any circumstance, have any more education than a high school diploma. A diploma is considered the zenith of educational attainment around here, and that's the way it's going to stay.

6. Atheists are bad, evil people. They pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous ooze. (Thank you, Mr. Garrison!) If you even associate yourself with one of these...these...scum...then you can absolutely forget about finding work here.

7. And while we're on that note, this is God's country. We're all Christians here. Stick with us, and you'll go far.

8. We accept no back talk from anyone. There's none of this "sticking up for yourself" business. You will bend over for your corporate masters and you will like it.

9. You will treat your shift manager at Chick-Fil-A with the utmost respect. He worked his everloving butt off to become sixth-in-command at this location, and don't you ever forget it!

10. You're better off having severe schizophrenia than you are being a homosexual. Don't even try it.

11. It is acceptable to have a partner or spouse outside of your race, but don't volunteer this information. God help you if you do. You will catch hell from both sides (*note: Yes, I really did.)

12. You must be a Nascar fan. No exceptions. Anyone who sees Nascar as the pointless, boring, ridiculous waste of money and space that it is is not worthy of employment.

13. If you are a vegetarian, you will be relegated to the nearest hospital and/or All-You-Can-Eat BBQ smokehouse until you get it through your thick skull that you need meat to survive.

14. Don't ever take your coworker to the Olive Garden or Red Lobster unless you plan on proposing marriage. These are the highest of high-end restaurants and should only be used for special occasions.

15. The childfree are not welcome. Period. Either slide God's little treasure through your blessed snatch or get the fuck out.

16. You will need to adjust your accent accordingly. I suggest speaking in a slow, ignorant drawl. None of this fast-talking, coherent, articulate talk around here. If a Floridian needs a dictionary or thesaurus, you need to dumb it down a bit.

17. Don't brag about how the North is much more tolerant than the South. Everybody knows it's true, including Floridians. They don't want to be reminded of how much they suck.

18. You will offer cuts in line to every fat, lazy, harried breeder with 3 dirty, sticky, unruly children. She did God's duty by having kids, and she is better than you for it.

19. Trade your Honda in for an American car! What's wrong with you, don't you love America?!

20. You may not watch, trust, or even discuss CNN, MSNBC, or Comedy Central. Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, and Jon Stewart are all banes on this great nation of ours. They don't even come close to real Americans. And that Stephen Colbert...tsk. He thinks he's funny, but trust me, he's not. Fox News is the only trusted, reliable, fair, and balanced news outlet out there...period. You need to take cues from heartfelt Americans like Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

21. Don't you ever, and I mean, EVER, diss George W. Bush. He saved our nation from terrorism, I tell you Hwhat. But feel free to bash Obama all you like. Yes, Florida was blue this past election, and some Floridians are embarrassed that their fellow citizens allowed it to become so. They just cannot believe that a Hussein is in the White House. (Translation: they can't believe that a Black Man is leading their country...but don't ever say that to them. You will surely doom your chances of employment by exposing their true feelings.)

22. You must support the war. No questions asked. Don't even dare to question the unreasonable killing of innocent civilians and hard-working, patriotic soldiers.

23. You must be familiar with at least 10 country musicians and at least 5 songs from each artist. If you don't know who Sugarland is, then you have no business being in Florida

24. You will treat bikers like legendary kings or pay the price. Harley enthusiasts are the lifeblood of this place. Remember that.

25. You will only bathe every 4 days, comb your hair every week, and brush your teeth only once a month.

26. As a Floridian employee, you will treat each customer with disdain, disinterest, and you will be just plain rude. You will make the customer care about your little problems, like your baby daddy sleeping with your sister. Remember: we only give a damn about the customer if they have money, and sometimes not even then.

And...I think that about covers it! Once again, welcome to Florida, and good luck on the job search! Before you know it, you will be settled into a cushy $7.00/hr job as a call center customer service representative, the job you've wanted all your life!

You people worship me.

Bask in my greatness, as depicted by one of my favorite fictional characters:

ScrewTube

YouTube, sadly, has become the Adult Swim of the Internet: it used to be cutting edge and fun. Now it's just plain retarded. Granted, there are a few videos there that are informative (such as how-to videos in terms of crafting, cooking, etc.), and maybe a few videos that are entertaining, but most of it is just a waste of perfectly good time and space. Here's an idea of the overview of YouTube:

But the main problem with YouTube is their unfair targeting of certain videos. My friend (for privacy's sake, let's call her Shelly) creates fanvids in her spare time, and she used to post them on YouTube to share with other fans. That is, until YouTube kept deleting her videos and then her account altogether. Apparently, her fanvids were a violation of some copyright. So bits and pieces of material are a cause for a possible lawsuit, but other videos of even more copyrighted material is A-OK. She doesn't understand why she is targeted and not others who have more offensive and more illegal videos.

According to the law, fan creations should not violate copyright laws. They should, like parodies, be under "fair use" laws. Here is the article that proves it.

Shelly, like any rational person, decided to create her own fanvid page as a big, fat "Fuck you" to YouTube. Check it out, it's pretty cool. :)

So there you have it. YouTube, either allow copyrighted material or don't. It's not fair to single out whoever may have the littlest bit of a chance of a lawsuit falling on your ass. Get with it. And quit with the stupid RickRoll and Hampster videos...nobody gives a shit anymore.

Number Two...in more ways than one.

Oops! In my haste to make up for my lack of updating, I forgot to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Sorry! Well....Slappy Poo Beer. Yeah, that works.

Anyway...I have been doing some leisurely thinking (what, you didn't notice that gust of wind?) and my former manager crossed my mind. You remember my nemesis PITA, don't you? If not he graces his presence here, here, and here.

My deal with PITA is this...he is second in command, and he acts like he is the Pope, the King, and the Sheriff. Some shining examples include:

*"Do you think I pay you to _____?" Hmm...that's a thinker. I think I'm going to go with......no. Yeah. My answer is no, because you didn't pay me, and you've never paid me. Until your signature is on my checks, you can get fucked.

*"This is my store." "It's my store." No, and no. Your name is not on the business license, nor is it on the deed. The operator's name isn't even on the deed, he rents the place from the corporation, who owns the store.

*"I'm the boss!" Yes, PITA said this frequently and vocally. To me, it sounds like a 3-year-old who doesn't want to share his toys. "I'm the boss! It's miiiiiiiiiiiiine!" Yes, PITA is an option for a boss, but I could always go over his head. Way over his head. He is not "the boss." If he were, he wouldn't be constantly chewed out by his boss, the operator!

*He wears company-logo attire, even while off the clock. NERD!

*If I ever dared to say that another restaurant's food is better than the food at the restaurant at which he works, I would be asking for the Lecture from Hell. "Their food is garbage, SD." "How can you not like chicken, SD?" "Actually, I think our shakes are better, SD." He would rather eat his restaurant's food than his own mother's cooking. If this isn't a company man, I don't know what is!

I think it's pretty pitiful to act high and mighty when you're only second-in-command of a fucking restaurant. He acts like an executive of a successful corporation, when in reality, these executives are laughing at/pitying him. Oh, and I will take a moment to hit below the belt: he just turned 24, and he has a glaring bald spot. Not only that, he has ginger hair, freckles, a noticeable lisp, and a pumpkin-shaped head. Not a good combo for someone who is balding. I wish I had taken the opportunity to make fun of him for it to his face, but I had to be a little tactful. But now, well, it's just fucking hilarious! Hey, PITA! You drive around in your daddy's Infiniti and spend money you don't have; why not buy some Rogaine and get a bang out of life?

Hatemail! Hatemail!

I was tickled pink to discover a hateful comment from an apparent Radio Shack fan. The wuss declined to make his/her page public, but I will be kind enough to display the name and what was said. It can also be found at this blog.

Asynaka says: Wow, I guess if I worked in a Radio Shack and had to deal with a-holes like you and likely a screaming boss I would shoot myself.
You loss [sic] the high ground when you are an ass to the guy and girl making 7 bucks an hour with some asshole telling them they will lose their job if they don't push these things, if you hate it so much why go into Radio Shack

This comment has dumbassery written all over it.

Number one, Asynaka, I did not put a gun to your head and force you to take a job that involves dealing with assholes like me (*grin*) and a screaming boss. You made that decision for yourself. Suck it up, buttercup. Of course, if you did shoot yourself, I sure as hell wouldn't notice. You can easily be replaced.

Secondly, I lost the high ground. Right. I'm the one making racist comments in order to make a quick buck. I'm the one who is rude to those who don't have a fucking camera/radio/satellite dish in their overpriced phone. Let me tell you something, Assy Caca...I am never rude to a service person unless they are rude to me first. I've worked crap jobs before, and I know how it feels to deal with rude customers and idiot bosses. So I do my best to treat every serviceperson with respect, and I expect that they do the same with everyone that they come in contact with. If some snotshit tells someone making 7 bucks an hour that they will lose their job if they don't push some DVD player, that's not my problem. I don't make the rules, and again, I didn't tell them to take the job. They chose this job, and I won't allow some idiot to take their poor choices out on me. Perhaps they could have an opportunity to keep their jobs by making a sale without using poor people skills. But they didn't. So they lost a customer and possibly their jobs. Their choices, not mine. Oh, well.

Third, if you had bothered to read the blog, you would know that there are other places that I patronize other than Radio Shack. I haven't been to Radio Shack in over a year. I actively avoid going near a Radio Shack.

It sounds to me, Asynaka, that you cannot handle being an adult. Sure, we all have bosses that we hate. I know I did! But it sounds to me that you cannot take responsibility for your actions. So therefore, your opinion means this to me:
But thank you for the laugh! My friends and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Fuck the Bikers!

That's right. I said fuck 'em!

In my state, motorcycles, motorcyclists, and anything that has to do with motorcycles is a BFD (a big fucking deal). All I can say is this:


And why should I give a shit? Oooooh....it's a motorized bicycle! I've never seen any kind of motorized transportation device before! And it's shiny, too! I'm sorry, but I just don't see the appeal.

However, I can see how uninteresting and overrated motorcycles are...until an unfortunate brain omelette occurs on the pavement. Unfortunately, motorcycle accidents are common in this country, especially in my state. I don't wish harm on anyone, and I don't want anyone to get hurt or to lose a loved one, but these lunkheads have brought it on themselves. And no, I don't hate to say it. Here is what I have witnessed:

* Reckless bikers weaving illegally and dangerously between lanes
* Idiot bikers riding at least 90 mph
* Dumbass bikers riding without a helmet

The last one baffles me. In many states, riding with a helmet is required. Not here. Apparently if you have an insurance policy of at least $10,000, you can let the gentle breeze caress your balding scalp. Now, either these people have lived rich and full lives and don't mind dying doing what they love, or they're just plain fucking stupid. I'm betting on the latter. To those who are still unconvinced: your skull is to the pavement as an egg is to concrete. You. Will. Lose. What. Little. Brain. Matter. You. Have. Left.

It seems that everywhere I go, I see bumper stickers saying things like, "Look Twice, Save a Life. Motorcycles are Everywhere." Hmph. Of course, I always drive defensively. But if these special fucking motorcyclists want recognition and special treatment, then they need to treat the other drivers and pedestrians on the road with respect, and to be more careful.

And I still don't care about your bike.