Welcome to the Sunshine State!
I'm sure that you've heard about what Florida has to offer: the warm weather, the many beaches, the fun theme parks, no income tax, and enough churches to make you take a crap that looks like the Virgin Mary. You've seen the best, and welcome to the rest!
Now, if you're going to find employment in this state, there are a few guidelines that you must follow. If you follow them, you will succeed in finding a job. And these guidelines are as follows:
1. You may not have more than 8 teeth.
2. Your belly must exceed at least one foot past your legs.
3. Your name must go along the lines of: Jethro, Elmer, Alveeta, Tanquanishanay, Del Monte, Hennessy, Alma Jean, Tanqueray, or any other name that will doom you in the North.
4. You must have a minimum of 4 children.
5. You may not, under any circumstance, have any more education than a high school diploma. A diploma is considered the zenith of educational attainment around here, and that's the way it's going to stay.
6. Atheists are bad, evil people. They pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous ooze. (Thank you, Mr. Garrison!) If you even associate yourself with one of these...these...scum...then you can absolutely forget about finding work here.
7. And while we're on that note, this is God's country. We're all Christians here. Stick with us, and you'll go far.
8. We accept no back talk from anyone. There's none of this "sticking up for yourself" business. You will bend over for your corporate masters and you will like it.
9. You will treat your shift manager at Chick-Fil-A with the utmost respect. He worked his everloving butt off to become sixth-in-command at this location, and don't you ever forget it!
10. You're better off having severe schizophrenia than you are being a homosexual. Don't even try it.
11. It is acceptable to have a partner or spouse outside of your race, but don't volunteer this information. God help you if you do. You will catch hell from both sides (*note: Yes, I really did.)
12. You must be a Nascar fan. No exceptions. Anyone who sees Nascar as the pointless, boring, ridiculous waste of money and space that it is is not worthy of employment.
13. If you are a vegetarian, you will be relegated to the nearest hospital and/or All-You-Can-Eat BBQ smokehouse until you get it through your thick skull that you need meat to survive.
14. Don't ever take your coworker to the Olive Garden or Red Lobster unless you plan on proposing marriage. These are the highest of high-end restaurants and should only be used for special occasions.
15. The childfree are not welcome. Period. Either slide God's little treasure through your blessed snatch or get the fuck out.
16. You will need to adjust your accent accordingly. I suggest speaking in a slow, ignorant drawl. None of this fast-talking, coherent, articulate talk around here. If a Floridian needs a dictionary or thesaurus, you need to dumb it down a bit.
17. Don't brag about how the North is much more tolerant than the South. Everybody knows it's true, including Floridians. They don't want to be reminded of how much they suck.
18. You will offer cuts in line to every fat, lazy, harried breeder with 3 dirty, sticky, unruly children. She did God's duty by having kids, and she is better than you for it.
19. Trade your Honda in for an American car! What's wrong with you, don't you love America?!
20. You may not watch, trust, or even discuss CNN, MSNBC, or Comedy Central. Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, and Jon Stewart are all banes on this great nation of ours. They don't even come close to real Americans. And that Stephen Colbert...tsk. He thinks he's funny, but trust me, he's not. Fox News is the only trusted, reliable, fair, and balanced news outlet out there...period. You need to take cues from heartfelt Americans like Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
21. Don't you ever, and I mean, EVER, diss George W. Bush. He saved our nation from terrorism, I tell you Hwhat. But feel free to bash Obama all you like. Yes, Florida was blue this past election, and some Floridians are embarrassed that their fellow citizens allowed it to become so. They just cannot believe that a Hussein is in the White House. (Translation: they can't believe that a Black Man is leading their country...but don't ever say that to them. You will surely doom your chances of employment by exposing their true feelings.)
22. You must support the war. No questions asked. Don't even dare to question the unreasonable killing of innocent civilians and hard-working, patriotic soldiers.
23. You must be familiar with at least 10 country musicians and at least 5 songs from each artist. If you don't know who Sugarland is, then you have no business being in Florida
24. You will treat bikers like legendary kings or pay the price. Harley enthusiasts are the lifeblood of this place. Remember that.
25. You will only bathe every 4 days, comb your hair every week, and brush your teeth only once a month.
26. As a Floridian employee, you will treat each customer with disdain, disinterest, and you will be just plain rude. You will make the customer care about your little problems, like your baby daddy sleeping with your sister. Remember: we only give a damn about the customer if they have money, and sometimes not even then.
And...I think that about covers it! Once again, welcome to Florida, and good luck on the job search! Before you know it, you will be settled into a cushy $7.00/hr job as a call center customer service representative, the job you've wanted all your life!
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