A Hot Ghetto Mess!

I love Hot Ghetto Mess! And in case you forgot, I am a woman of color. In fact, I am of mixed ancestry. And no, I do not find that this site condones negative stereotypes about African-Americans. The pictures clearly speak for themselves. I say that if you're stupid enough to act like a fool, and worse yet, have your photo taken, then you should realize how much the world finds that humorous. We are not laughing with you, honey, we are laughing AT you.

The following are some of my favorite pics from that site, with my own personal commentary. If you don't like it, then skip your merry derriere to Utopialand, because I don't buckle to PC thugs. For the rest of you, enjoy!


Hell no. Hell. Ass. No. Girlfriend...if you're going to be wearing a short skirt and a thong, then for Chrissake, trim that bush! No, scratch that. You need to weed that shit. You need to pluck, ho, saw, mow, and scorch the earth. That is just unattractive. And don't get me started on the rest of the outfit. I feel nauseous just looking at her! Ugh...wax it, please, for the good of our stomachs.

Brother man...hats are NOT that expensive! Look at that smug look; thinking he looks cool. Uh....*BUZZ* wrong! Shave that shit off, you look like a broke Kid N Play.

The neighborhood skripper to entertain the boys and girls! Or is this a field trip to warn the boys and girls on the schoolbus about what will happen to them if they don't graduate? Now, don't get me wrong, there is no shame in being an exotic dancer. But there is clearly a time and a place, and this is neither. Besides, look at her! She looks like a mule in heat! No wonder the clubs are so dark! Honeychild, you're not cute. Take your flea market panties and GTFOH.

I pray to FSM that this is not for a high school prom. Because if it is...then this is a damn shame. Poor little bugger. Neither she nor her not-da-daddy look the least bit amused. Although I have to admit, the dresses are cute. But not his suit! He looks like his chest was wrapped in Bubble Tape.

Lawd have mercy on my nonexistant soul! Okay...this is wrong for so many reasons. Tacky ass furniture. Ugly ass horse hair. Body that is clearly not toned. Ugly wine glasses. Cheap wine. Ashy skin. And those PJs? No hoooooo sir! I am NOT the one!

Hold up. Hold UP! Don't neighborhoods, or even towns, have community pools? Swimming holes? Retention ponds?! Come on, boys! You can get one of those baby pools from Wal-Mart at a reasonable price. Or even run through the sprinklers, or have daddy spray the hose at you. Plus, that water looks nasty. Either someone didn't clean the boat beforehand or someone took a healthy shit afterward. Get your asses to the local Y and do some real swimming!

Oh wow. I am in complete awe of you. I wonder if your mama knows that you took $17 out of her purse to take this useless picture. Take that money and get yourself some lotion...lotion is gangsta, dontchaknow.

It simply does not get any funnier than this. Poor woman...her fat's got extra fat! And that bikini top? No, ma'am. Top it off with that expression (you just know that she's being loud), and whatever Fruit Punch/Sprite/Sweet Tea is in that Hardee's cup...and this pic is just a pure classic! Baby, BBWs can be sexy and classy. You are neither. But you're damn funny, though!

Young lady...seriously. If you're going to take a stank ass picture for your man in jail, then you could at least change your stank ass drawers. Really. Your expression looks like you're pinching a hot, buttery loaf right now! Ew...I can almost smell you through the screen. Wipe and wash your ass, my dear, wipe and wash.

This has to be a Halloween costume. It has to be. He's going as a package of Starburst candy. Wait...what? It's not a costume, but a prom outfit? Oh, my brother. Prepare to be tormented for all eternity for your poor fashion sense.

Can't totally hate on this one. At least they don't have their goodies hanging out. But you can tell that this dude is totally whipped. Either that or he's in for some superb poonaner. His face kind of looks like Pooh a little bit, doesn't it?

Purple Rain!!!


Go, Go, Ghetto Rangers! I don't think that I've ever seen uglier formal outfits...if you can call them that. They look like they were wrapped in holiday tin foil then sent out. Just...no.

"Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum...what might be right for you...may not be right for some..." Heh...a pun with a double meaning, damn I'm good. I admit, the dress on the young lady is cute. What? It is! But the wannabe Gary Coleman could have done better.

Beware....beware of the Can of Busted Biscuits! After its ass has finished eating the panties, it will come after you and eat your children! Run!

"Girl you know it's true...." And that's all I have to say about THIS.

Biggie Smalls has risen from the dead! And he's going in drag under the pseudonym "Orangina"!

Sweetie...I know that we all have our problems, but please conquer your toilet training before going out on your own. I know it's hard, possibly even harder than the 9th grade that you couldn't have possibly gotten through, but I know that you can do it.

My darling...did your self-respect go to jail along with this young man? Nothing less classy than ryde-or-die chicks. Sorry, boys...you fuck up your life, you're not gonna fuck up mine. You are on your OWN.

Hell no. Somebody made this. Somebody was proud of this. Can you imagine? "Cut me a slice of overstretched pussy, please?" No...just no. Smear that frosting, then it will look appetizing.

Ho Ho....HO. This is the most ridiculous shit I have ever seen. Then again, I suppose she could make visits to homes that do not have Xmas trees.

Dirty. Dirty, stank, and foul. Her breath will be smelling like corns and fungus for months. Have some class, bitch!

AHA! About time that insipid Chick-Fil-A cow got justice for his crimes against humanity! Take that, you motherfucker!

Don't fear him, children. He's like the Mr. Burns alien...he brings you love.

If this isn't the nastiest.....UGH! I honestly have nothing. You all can make your own comments for this one.

See, my friends? Men love Fanta, too!

Angelpie, if you're going to let thoughtless men take crotch shots, wear a tampon! Or at least wait until the crimson tide is over! And are those hospital bands? Brother, no.

Greasy, greasier, greasiest. I hope that the one in the chair doesn't fart!

Poor dear. I think I see a french fry in there somewhere...

Boyfriend...you are not Divine. Quit trying. Just because you have moobs doesn't mean that the swimsuit flatters you. You do look like a lot of fun to be around, though.

Yeah...the bald guy is hotter.

This is what happens when you defy mother nature. Respect your body, ladies, or this could be you! If you ain't got 'em, stuff the bras. At least you'll still be hot when you're older.

Congratulations. You just branded yourself as an unemployable loser for the rest of your life. Stupid ho.

This is nothing but a gorilla in tight jeans.


And that's all for now, friends :) Did you enjoy the laugh? I sure did!

Various Gripes

Meh. This post is nothing particularly special. I'm just going to find various things to write about.

1. Totino's Pizza


This has got to be, without a doubt, the nastiest, most foul "food" ever to come to fruition. The crust tastes like puffed Play-Doh, and the cheese tastes like vulcanized rubber. I don't give a shit if they're only 97 cents! They're that cheap for a reason: because they suck. A mule penis! Personally, I prefer to make my own pizza by using pizza dough mix (only about $1-$2), pizza sauce (anywhere from $1-$4), and various toppings. But of course, I understand that time is of the essence. I recommend Tombstone or Red Baron if frozen pizza is a must. Stay away from this....this...hell, I can't even think of a good name, it's so disgusting. But if you're like a dear friend of mine and you eat one, your ass and your porcelain throne will become the best of friends, because you will have the chunky monkey squirts for hours. You have been warned.


2. Kool Moe Dee

One of history's coolest rappers. That's all.


3. Tim and Eric

I don't think I have ever hated two people as much as I hate these clowns. I admit, I did enjoy their show "Tom Goes to the Mayor" on Adult Swim. I still do sometimes. But then they had to abandon a good thing to make the insidious, nonsensical, moronic mess that is "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!" Of course, the term "awesome" is subjective. I do not feel subjected to agree that this show is awesome. Just watch it once (if you can make it for the entire show) and see what I mean. It's just irritating, the jokes make no sense, and it's just bad. It's suited for either unemployable, 30-year-old potheads or mopheaded 14-year-old Xbox fans. I gave it a chance. Many chances, in fact. And I have not smiled or laughed once. A few times I have sighed of frustration or sneered at the...jokes? Are they jokes? I hate to say it, but this show makes the new episodes of Family Guy seem like genius, which is saying a lot, because the newer Family Guy episodes are a fucking waste of brain cells. But I have to hand it to Tim and Eric: making millions by doing practically nothing constructive. They make it look so easy.


4. R. Kelly

So...this guy commits statutory rape, and all of a sudden he is a martyr and a legend in the R&B world. Yet Roman Polanski and Woody Allen, who used poor judgment, but did not take it as far as R. Kelly, never regained the celebrity status of their past. Damn shame.


5. Chris Brown and Rihanna

God, STFU about it already! I don't know exactly what went down, nor should I. This is a highly personal matter. All I know is that the publicists for Chris Brown and Rihanna should be fucking ashamed. Domestic violence is a serious matter, and shouldn't be used for exploitation or to enhance celebrity status. And as such, I will not be paying any more attention to this matter, nor will I be buying anything that has to do with either of these two. Just as well; I prefer indie artists, anyway.


6. Bristol Palin/Levi Johnston

Wow. This blessed union-to-be will never be. Nobody is more shocked than I. Really. I mean, if you find your high-school sweetheart and get knocked up by him before the age of 18, then that's a sure stronghold on your relationship and your future. Not to mention that adoring look that Levi gives his glowing bride-to-be. Could he be any more in love with her? I just...I didn't expect it. I really thought this was a match to be reckoned with.

Ha. NOT! Good luck, children, you will definitely need it. And Bristol, please be so kind as to keep your death-hungry lunatic of a mother the fuck out of our public eye. She is a waste and we don't need her.


And...yeah.

It's a beautiful day for bitching...

Yeah, yeah, I have no excuse. What can I say, I've been a busy bee and I do have a life outside of the addictive other world known as the Internet. A million apologies now, and a trillion apologies for the future.

With that said...let's get to bitching :)

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*Okay...so I do a little grocery shopping at the new Super Target near my home. Of course, it's typical Target: 3:00 in the afternoon, 18 registers, and only 2 of them open. There are lines going into the candle aisle. Ridiculous, I say. Eventually, another register opens, and I rush over to use it, but alas, I am beaten by a behemoth with a cart full of crap (read: Hot Pockets, Wonder Bread, Redbook Magazine, etc...). Normally, I'd be annoyed, but I was in no rush, and decided to pass the time by reading a nearby tabloid. I enjoyed the guilty pleasure for all but 5 seconds before Queen Beast begins her mooing:

QB: "I just want to know...the grocery section is on [the east] end. Why do you only have registers open here?" ("Here" being the area between the grocery department and the home/garden department)

cashier (looking and acting like she wants to get this elephant the fuck out of her line): *shrug* "I'm sorry, I don't know."

QB: "Well, it's just more convenient to have registers near the groceries. Some of us don't feel like walking all the way over here."

cashier: *continues to scan Moo Cow's groceries*

QB: *whine*moo*hee haw*

cashier: *scans the crummy groceries at a fantastic speed*

QB: "Say, is your supervisor around?"

**And before you can say "Bitch, try jogging!" a young go-getter who is going to climb that Target career ladder, boy howdy, appears with his eager face, ready to help all his breeders in need.**

Poor Schmuck: "Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?"

QB: "Well....(goes on the same diatribe about how much of a lazy shit she is and how she can't stand to go more than 10 steps without collapsing and gasping for air. I eat Hot Pockets, don't you know how inactive and unhealthy we are?! Give us special treatment!)

PS: *smile quickly fading from his face* Riiiight. I apologize for the inconvenience, ma'am. I'll let the manager know of your concerns.

QB: "Hmph." *and with that she waddles away, but not before holding up a line of now 8 people with her bitching*

me: *under my breath* It's not like she can't use the walk.

cashier: *quietly* I know, right? LOL


I didn't mean for anyone to hear that, but...oh well.

But come on! I mean, really...come...on. No wonder the world thinks less of us. The entire store is not even close to 1/5 of a mile wide! I think you can handle walking a little (with the help of a loaded cart, no less) to the middle of the store from one side. If you would drag your cankles once in a while, then you'd have no reason to bitch so much! Put down the Pork Pocket, and do some fucking jumping jacks, you sow!

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It's an exciting time for animal rights! Vegetarian and veganism is becoming more and more popular, what with gaining more ground in the mainstream market. Now more than ever, we can enjoy cruelty-free accessories, clothes, and food. And speaking of food: lab-grown meat. That's right. According to the latest issue of VegNews magazine (if you don't already subscribe, you should. It's a wonderful publication), researchers hope that by 2020, lab-grown meat will be available in supermarkets. The deal is: it is real meat, which is used not by killing an innocent animal, but by using its cells. The process wouldn't be entirely innocent: animals still would be used in some way, but they would not be slaughtered, and we're hoping that they will be treated humanely. So, it's win-win. Omnivores get their meat, and in turn, hundreds to thousands of animals could be spared.

Well, imagine my discontent when I mention this news to several of my meat-eating friends. I heard the following replies:

"Yeah, but if real meat is still available, I'm going to choose that." (Whatever "real" meat means...as if the lab-grown meat would be imaginary)

"Yuck! That sounds gross." (As if eating chicken fetuses and drinking bovine mammary juice isn't.)

"I don't know, SD. It seems so...artificial." (Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who thinks nothing of downing Sunny Delight--yes, it is delicious, I admit, but I digress--and eating Totino's pizza, which is, quite possibly, the foulest convenience food in existence. But I suppose that's for another blog ;) )

So I say: "So...even though an alternative, which would be real meat, will be available, you'd still choose to eat the meat of a murdered animal?" Not one said anything in favor of the lab-grown meat. Typical.

Normally, I don't judge people on how they eat. At this time, the way a person lives/eats is his or her own damn business. And I will feel the same way in the future. But I can't help but feel sorry for them. I can understand that the whole "lab-grown" deal is a little new and unusual, and may take some time to get used to. But it's also important to have an open mind and to at least educate yourself before making ignorant, judgmental comments. And let's not forget the compassion---get some, assholes.

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Okay, enough preachin'...more bitching to come :)