Sarah Silverman wins at life :)

Enough said. Enjoy!

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Who needs a farm when you've got Golden Corral?

It was one of those days, my friends. I was tired. I was pissy. I had a veritable buttload of things to do that I hadn't even touched. And worst of all...I was hungry. If anyone knows me, they should know that I like food (well, good food, anyway). But seeing as I was too lazy and irritable to drive to a decent city, I'd have to find some low-grade cattle feed in my boring ass town. So after a bit of thinking, I bite the bullet and say to myself, "Fuck it, I'll just fill up on veggies at Golden Corral." And as I'm driving there, I suddenly remembered the type of folk who dine at such lovely establishments. And a wide grin creeps across my face. I'm in for some cheap laughs, and nobody loves a cheap laugh more than I!

As I'm about to turn the corner into the parking lot, I wonder if people are busy shopping at nearby Belk department store, as it looks very full. When I drive a little closer, however, I can see that the cars are for Golden Corral! No shit! You'd think I was at a Wal-Mart! And most of these vehicles are of the pick-up truck/minivan/SUV variety. I park my car (far away, of course), and chuckle my way past the McCain/Palin-stickered atrocities.

Now, I go up to the counter to pay for my meal. The server looked like she suffered through 8 generations of inbreeding. No shit. I thought she was going to start drooling when she looked at me with her dead eyes and asked in a slow, Southern drawl, "Yew want lunch or dinner?" Me: "I'll have lunch, please." "Yew wanna drank?" "Umm...Dr. Pepper." And then she told me my total, I gave her the money, and she gave me my receipt, her expression not changing whatsoever. It was not unlike this fellow:





So...after that pleasant exchange of words, I grab my plate and get my food. I swear, I must have been the only person in the whole place that didn't waddle. After I get my salad, I notice a large, angry woman looking derisively at the chicken, then asking the cook which one is a breast, when it's clear that there are only thighs and legs. At that point, she marches to a manager and bellows, "Where are the chicken breasts? You people used to make chicken breasts for me!" Yeah, lady. This huge place is going to interrupt smooth flow of business just for your fat ass. I almost wanted to say, "If you want chicken breast, take your fat, entitled ass home and cook it yourself!" But no...I wanted to thoroughly enjoy this experience. I sure do love seeing large, middle-aged women taking a break from their quilting and scrapbooking to eat bland, substandard food from a can.

Next, when I go up to get some more low-quality food, it takes me a little longer than usual, because I have to wait for the tubbs to get the fuck out of the way. Seriously. It's as if you're not allowed to talk about how you came to pick the meatloaf and lima beans unless you're standing in the way. FUCKING MOVE!!! The seniors at the table across from me can talk about their children on probation at their table, why can't you?

After topping my meal off with ice cream that is worse than Breyer's (yes, it's possible), I go to leave and the line is literally out the door of people who are about to have dinner! Breeders and seniors and bubbas, oh my! Thank hell I came early, or I'd really be pissed!

Yeah, Golden Corral is a moo cow paradise, and the food will make your stomach sink into the pits of oblivion, but it was worth it. Hey, whenever you're feeling bad about yourself, have lunch here! You will feel like a new person!

Yeah, I took your stork space. So what?

Why? Why does someone with a sperm infection deserve to have a parking space any more than the elderly or the handicapped? Pregnancy is NOT a handicap (at least not one that deserves a parking space)!

I usually like to park in what my friend refers to as "Buttfuck, Egypt." And why not? I'll find a space quickly, I'll know where my car is (I am one of those people who oftens forgets where she parks), and I'll get some much-needed exercise! I really don't understand why people waste time, gas, and frustrations trying to find the closest space possible, especially since there are plenty of spaces toward the back. Often these fools are minivan or SUV drivers. Lazy asses.

And while I like to park far away, if I see a stork parking space, I will gladly go out of my way to park there. They're not enforced by the city, county, or state, and if I park there, the worst that will happen is my privilege of shopping at XYZ mart being revoked (and we just can't have that, boyhowdydoody!). Soooo...if I see it, I will park there. I don't understand why other people without kids in tow don't do the same.

Well, today, I felt like getting some junk food, so I decided to go to a fast-food restaurant for some fries, and what do I see? A stork space! The sharp right I made nearly tipped my means of transportation over, but it was worth it :) And what's more, this place happened to be packed with breeders and their quivering crotchboogers! As a couple of little jerks ran back and forth down the aisles screaming like little orangutans, I wondered if I would get any dirty looks or confrontations.

After my less-than-stellar meal, I headed toward my car, and I couldn't help but notice who parked right next to me...the disheveled moo with the monkey-like cuntpancakes, looking quite perturbed. She mutters, "I don't know who parked in this space..." before noticing my unlocking the door. "Excuse me!" she says to me quite curtly.

me (with a shit-eating grin, clearly about to enjoy the excitement): "Yes, ma'am, how can I be of assistance?"

moo cow: "Do you realize you're parked in the stork parking?"

me (looking at the sign for a while, then looking at her): "Heh. I sure did. So what?"

moo cow (who at this point cannot believe I didn't bow down to her Royal Vagina which has squished out slimy germcakes): "So what?! So you can't park there!"

me: "I don't see your name on the sign, either, sweetheart."

moo cow (marching toward the sign): "Don't get smart with me. It says right there, clear as day, 'Reserved for the expecting or those with toddlers.' Do you have any toddlers?"

me: "No, but I am expecting."

moo cow: "But you're not far along enough to even park here."

me (reading the sign): "'Reserved for the expecting.' I'm expecting. Therefore, I parked here."

moo cow (looking and feeling foolish): "Oh. So...when are you due?"

me (breaking into laughter): "Nah, I'm just yankin' your chain, honey. I had an abortion 2 weeks ago. Cleared that problem right up!"

moo cow (red fury emerging in her face): "How dare you? How fucking dare you?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!"

me (thrilled by this woman's idiocy): "The childfree woman who took your coveted space."

moo cow (derisively): "Oh, you're one of those people. You have absolutely no right to park here, and you know it!"

me (still smiling): "Write me a tot-ticket. Send me to breeder court. Make me pay a kinderfine. Oh, wait, my taxes already take care of your kids. So I think I'll be using this space more often."

moo cow (very, very pissed): "That's it. That is fucking IT! I'm taking your license plate number, and I'm reporting it to the police!"

me (laughing): "Please do. And while you're at it, tell them what a shining example you've been to me in front of your children. The police work very hard, so they could use the laugh. So what do you do for a living?"

moo cow (realizing that she's losing): "You know what? Fuck you!" (At that point, she harshly gathers her kids and nearly shoves them in her minivan)

me: "I will, with a condom!"

And with that, I make very deliberate moves in my car, and all the while, she angrily slams her driver door, starts the ignition, and leaves the parking lot like a bat out of hell.

Oh, you breeders. You think you're so entitled. And why not? You've got it all: the tax breaks, the programs for children, you can cut in line at Wal-Mart and not have anyone tell you off, and many other breeder perks. And really...this bitch was one, ONE parking space away from me. Was it really that much of a hardship to park sooooooo far away?

My fellow CFers, don't be afraid. Use those stupid stork spaces, they don't need nor deserve them! And if you're with your SO or spouse, take his/her hand and skip merrily into the venue while breeders give you the evil eye. Trust me, it's super fun!

Childfree news!! Childfree news!!

Is it news that I am childfree? Nah....I've been pretty vocal in my distaste for the bitter, disgusting truth that is mawmeehud.

However, it has been pretty tricky to find reliable, positive news about the childfree...until now!

Say hello to All The Childfree News!

To any childfree bloggers out there, you are likely responsible for this leg of alltop being born (pun intended), so pat yourselves on your well-deserved backs!

And extra kudos goes to my good friend, S2 do life, for making the website possible.

So read, enjoy, and don't forget to drop by and give your thanks!

You fucked with the WRONG woman!

For those of you that don't know, I finally left my bullshit job. I just could not take it anymore. The other employees are stuck-up Christians who think they're better than anyone who doesn't go to church, and the managers think they're freaking CEOs!

On my last day, I just couldn't take it anymore. It got really busy, some idiot left a piece of equipment in the middle of the floor, so I tripped and hurt myself, I had to take care of all the customers in the dining room alone while hurt, and nobody bothered to help me. Toward the end of my shift, PITA (you remember PITA, right? He's mentioned here and here.) takes me to the back of the office to complain about the lack of cleanliness in the dining room. I say, "Well, some idiot left a piece of equipment in the middle of the floor CARELESSLY, and I got hurt, and I had to do what I could alone. I didn't see any of you offer to help me." At that point, PITA stammers for a bit and says, "Um...well....we assumed that you could do it." Bullshit. At that point, PITA threatens to suspend me for a week, so I say, "You know what? You can eat your suspension," and I walk out. I only return the following week to pick up my check.

I've hated them ever since. But today I finally got the opportunity to exact some karma :)

I was in a department store, minding my own business, when I hear a familiar voice shriek: "Hi, SD!" I turn around, and to my utter disgust, I see PITA standing in front of me with a smile, as if nothing ever happened. Here is how the rest of the conversation progressed (my thoughts are in italics):

me: (giving a disinterested look) What do you want?

PITA: Oh, nothing, I'm just in here to pick up some things (as if I give a shit), and I just thought I'd come by and say hi.
me: And that you did. Congratulations.

PITA: Well, things are going well at Restaurant.

me: Okay.....and?

PITA: Well, I just thought you wanted to know.

me: Why would I want to know? I don't give a shit about any of you people.

PITA: (coming closer to me, with the Look of Doom) What?!

me: (gently pushing him away) I no longer work for you, so I'm going to say it: You are NOT going to get in MY face when you speak to me, you got it?

PITA: What is your problem?

me: I'm not interested in you or any of those Restaurant freaks. You're selfish and arrogant, for which you have a LOT of nerve, because you're just a manager. I mean...*short chuckle*...it's not like you're somebody!

At that point, PITA starts to get really, really pissed. He tries very hard not to cry as he continues to give me a dirty look, before finally storming off.

me: (extremely satisfied to get the final word) That's right! Go back to your carcasses at Restaurant, I'm sure they miss you, being your only friends!

I floated on Cloud Seventeen checking out my merchandise and going home. I finally got a chance to tell that sexless freak how I felt! And I mean, really, who does he think he is? You'd need an IQ of a fresh turd to manage a restaurant, and an even lower IQ to want a manage a restaurant for the rest of your life!

I hope he cries tonight on his corporate logo'ed pillow.

I, meanwhile, feel great!

For the love of buttfloss, GET LOST!

Cripes on a crotchulent crumb cracker! It's been a while since I've updated, huh? Much apologies!

Now, let's see, what can I bitch about now?

I think I'll make a little wish list...people who should disappear (at least temporarily).

I swear, I can't turn on my TV or my computer without hearing about all this celebricrap. Why? The only people who are interested in this shit are sorority sluts and breeders, and neither of these societal drains matter.

So now, in the futile hopes that the mainstream media will listen to me (ha!), here is my list of people who should disappear (at least until we hear that one of their kids is gay and/or on methodone):

1. Angelina Jolie

I loved, admired, and adored this woman when she performed magnificently in the film Girl, Interrupted. Unfortunately, since she hooked up with Brad Pitt, it's been "Brangelina" this, and "Ambassador" that. Don't get me wrong, I think what she is doing for her adopted children is wonderful, as well as her humanitarian work. Even if her donations are only a small piece of her pie, that money is still worth a great deal to those who need it. But come on, Angie, it's not necessary to steal someone else's husband and whore your kids keep yourself in the headlines. Please give us another amazing performance, we miss you!

2. Will Smith

This cat was a lot of fun on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Goofy, yet smart. He ragged on his cousin Carlton and his Uncle Phil mercilessly, but he genuinely cared for them. And he and DJ Jazzy Jeff made quite the pair. And then...movie stardom got to his head. I remember reading that he would not use curse words in his songs, to honor a request from his grandmother. I am totally okay with that, I respect everyone's personal beliefs as long as they don't interfere with my life. What I am not okay with is inconsistency. Sure, wholesome Will Smith won't swear in his albums, but he has no problem swearing in his movies. I mean, really. Every filmmaker wants this guy; he's money in the bank. You'd think that the producers and directors would accommodate Will's request to tone down the swearing in his films, but---to my knowledge, Will never made any such request while filming any movie. Not that I have a problem if he swears in his movies; I've got quite the sailor mouth myself. But don't say one thing and do another. To intelligent humans, that's not cool. If Alicia Silverstone can convince the crew on her short-lived TV show to make her character vegan, surely Will can make a few adjustments. And I'd have no problem if he temporarily went back to his silly roots, graffiti on the walls and all. You're never too old to be goofy :)

3. Tila Tequila

You know, I think I may be wrong about this young lady. She needn't disappear temporarily. No. Instead, she should be smashed with hammers and be strapped to a rocket sent to the Sun. She's that vile. So she's a bisexual. OoooohoooooHOOOO! Big motherfucking DEAL! As if no other person in this entire world isn't a bisexual! This chica smokes a little cock and munches a little hair pie, and she's deserving of our attention and money? Fuck that! I'll save my attention for a lesbian who has earned my respect, like Rachel Maddow. Honey, if you're reading this: looks and vaginas will only get you so far. They will fade, and they will shrivel. That's the way life goes. Looks are nice, but intelligence and personality are the traits that will win people over. Your fans may not realize it now, but they will when they discover that when they realize they're bagging the groceries of the successful ladies they ignored or picked on in their heyday. So sweetheart, do the thinking world a favor and prance off a cliff. (Nice tats, though...except for the guns)

4. Brooke Hogan

Brooke "Ho"gan is right! For those of you who have not had the displeasure of being aware of this, Brooke Bollea is using the pseudonym of her washed-up, once-famous father, Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea in order to boost her own star quality, if any exists. (Hey hey hey HEY! Shame on you Hulk, watch your hand!) You see, not only is Ho riding on the balcony of the "my daddee yoostabee faymess" train, she also uses her bleached blonde hair and parades her skankaroo body around in next to nothing to leverage her "celebrity" status. Yuck. No, I won't give my time to a common dive bunny. But this girl is a freaking angel when compared to this....(cue Psycho violins)



5. Linda HoganI just threw up in my mouth a little. Okay...this woman is older than my own parents. Why is she dating someone younger than me? Granted, they're both adults and they can do as they wish, but come on! Well, then again, I don't suppose either one can do any better. This woman likely spent her young adulthood skanking around, so she doesn't have any real qualities a woman her age should have. So she has to stretch her youth for as long as possible: the bleached hair, the fake tits, the tan, the twentysomething clothes. Sadly, Mrs. Ho is not stretching very well. There are plenty of women who can stretch their youth (Alley Mills is a good example). But this woman's stretching is akin to silly putty; making an already bad product worse. Please, for the love of Jebus, take your teenager-gallivanting elsewhere! It's like picturing someone's dear, sweet grandma with a scaling tan and a string bikini!

6. Miley Cyrus

Unbelievable. I do a google image search for this girl (not woman, not even young lady----girl), and what did I find? Myspace slut-like pics (none nearly as tasteful as this pic here)! I did not post it here, because frankly, I don't put on a show for pedos. Prostitot aside...when will this ridiculous Hannah Banana Montana Alabama fad end?! Even Lizzie McGuire didn't last as long! I honestly think that she may have had the favor (and pleasure) of fading into obscurity if it weren't for her lunkhead, hillbilly father riding on her coattails. For those of you who are lucky not to be old enough to remember, Billy Ray Cyrus is the cretin responsible for the awesomely bad "Achy Breaky Heart." And it spawned a dance fad! Thank goodness it was only a one-hit wonder. But I digress; most of the sane world had forgotten about "Achy Breaky" until this simpleton came along! Fortunately, I have never watched a "Hannah Montana" episode nor have I heard any of her songs. But I can't escape her! She's on TV! The Internet! Lunch Boxes! Bed sheets! What next? Hannah Montana tampons? Hannah Montana douche? ("Feel that Montana breeze!") And we all know that "30 is the new 20," so it's going to take decades before we can get rid of her! But, in all seriousness, I do have something to say: You're still young, and you do have potential. Please don't go the way of Parasite Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. You are annoying, but you can do better.

7. Pete Wentz
Oh, god. "Dewchebaggery" at its finest. Pete, first of all, you look like a big toe. You dress like a 14-year-old girl. You make your money by stealing the thunder of the lead singer of your crappy band (whose name you stole unoriginally, by the way, from The Simpsons), pretending to be emo (which is pretty stupid to begin with), and wearing more makeup than a French prostitute. Tell me, young man, what do you have to say for yourself? What do you think you've accomplished that makes you so special? Ohhhhh. Now I get it. You knocked up and eventually married an equally untalented lip syncer who happens to be riding the coattails of her dumb-as-a-squash-with-a-butt-chin sister! Wow! Good for you! Congratulations! You make me sick.

Trust me, there are plenty more people I'd love to add to this list. Some of you may be asking, "Why not include Sarah Palin?" Well, most of the world has already expressed their opinion of this waste of a human being, and she's not worthy to grace my blog. Not now, anyway ;)

Now that I've gotten the ugliness out of the way, let's take a moment to recognize those who have earned my respect :)

1. Seth Rogen

~*sigh*~ Quite possibly, one of the coolest men on the planet! Yes, his films are hilarious, notably, Superbad. But to really appreciate his work, one must look past the crude humor and see the story. You can tell that the heart is there. And even if you can't, who cares? How many of you can say that you've written a successful script by age 15? And, as superficial as it sounds, he's a hottie! The softer side is always more attractive! Nobody wants to make love to a washboard! Ack---losing myself. Anyway, Seth, you're great :) Just thought you should know!

2. John Waters

This man completely rules. I've enjoyed his films since I was 5 (starting with Hairspray, of course! I didn't get into his earlier works until I was MUCH older!), and I will likely enjoy his work until I die. Hey, I'll even enjoy his work while I'm burning in Hell! His earlier work, such as Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, and Polyester went in directions that most directors won't even touch, even in 2008. And even though The Great John Waters is in his 60s, it won't stop him from enjoying life and having fun! Even though his modern films are much, much tamer than his earlier films, they still have that Baltimore Waters charm. My words won't do it justice; I advise you to see his movies to see what I mean. John Waters, you rule.

3. George Carlin

Okay, my intent for this entire blog was to include only the living, but I'm sorry, I cannot leave out the genius that was George Carlin. He was a success in his own right, telling the world what he really thought and not giving a shit if anyone was offended. He was funny because he was right. And morons like Bill O'Rubmybelly just didn't get it. He and Bill Hicks were the great ones. Yes, their words and their gift of laughter live on, and I hate to sound greedy, but couldn't it have lived a little longer? Why George Carlin? Why not the congealed mass of stupid that is Dane Cook? George Carlin: RIP, Rip 'em In Pieces! If Fred "Skeletor" Phelps is right about Carlin burning in Hell, I'm sure he's giving Satan some laughs :)

4. Dennis Kucinich

My dream politician. Someone who is concerned about animal rights. Someone who sees the unnecessary danger of firearms. Someone who sees how absolutely ridiculous the War in Iraq is. Someone who wants to bring back the Fairness Doctrine. Someone who supports same-sex marriage. Someone who is in favor of the access of healthcare for all citizens. Someone who actually gives a damn about the people he is serving! We could have had the swell pleasure and pride to call this man our president, but sadly, the American people aren't ready. Not just conservatards, but liberals as well. And you know what, that's okay. It would be a bit of an adjustment, considering the 8-year fuckcluster we just lived through. If (hopefully when) Obama takes office, it will take us on a nice transition to a better America. If America is supposed to be the greatest nation on Earth, the most envied, the richest, etc., then why do so many aspire to live in Canada, England, France, or elsewhere? If you want your taxpayers to stay and represent your country in the way it deserves to be represented, you've got to give them their due.

Believe me, there are plenty more people I admire, and I'd love to include them, but I'll save it for another time. I'm a little beat, and a few people are dying to see this blog. Again, I apologize for my sabbatical, but I'll be back very soon. Mwahaha. Ha.