Yeah, I took your stork space. So what?

Why? Why does someone with a sperm infection deserve to have a parking space any more than the elderly or the handicapped? Pregnancy is NOT a handicap (at least not one that deserves a parking space)!

I usually like to park in what my friend refers to as "Buttfuck, Egypt." And why not? I'll find a space quickly, I'll know where my car is (I am one of those people who oftens forgets where she parks), and I'll get some much-needed exercise! I really don't understand why people waste time, gas, and frustrations trying to find the closest space possible, especially since there are plenty of spaces toward the back. Often these fools are minivan or SUV drivers. Lazy asses.

And while I like to park far away, if I see a stork parking space, I will gladly go out of my way to park there. They're not enforced by the city, county, or state, and if I park there, the worst that will happen is my privilege of shopping at XYZ mart being revoked (and we just can't have that, boyhowdydoody!). Soooo...if I see it, I will park there. I don't understand why other people without kids in tow don't do the same.

Well, today, I felt like getting some junk food, so I decided to go to a fast-food restaurant for some fries, and what do I see? A stork space! The sharp right I made nearly tipped my means of transportation over, but it was worth it :) And what's more, this place happened to be packed with breeders and their quivering crotchboogers! As a couple of little jerks ran back and forth down the aisles screaming like little orangutans, I wondered if I would get any dirty looks or confrontations.

After my less-than-stellar meal, I headed toward my car, and I couldn't help but notice who parked right next to me...the disheveled moo with the monkey-like cuntpancakes, looking quite perturbed. She mutters, "I don't know who parked in this space..." before noticing my unlocking the door. "Excuse me!" she says to me quite curtly.

me (with a shit-eating grin, clearly about to enjoy the excitement): "Yes, ma'am, how can I be of assistance?"

moo cow: "Do you realize you're parked in the stork parking?"

me (looking at the sign for a while, then looking at her): "Heh. I sure did. So what?"

moo cow (who at this point cannot believe I didn't bow down to her Royal Vagina which has squished out slimy germcakes): "So what?! So you can't park there!"

me: "I don't see your name on the sign, either, sweetheart."

moo cow (marching toward the sign): "Don't get smart with me. It says right there, clear as day, 'Reserved for the expecting or those with toddlers.' Do you have any toddlers?"

me: "No, but I am expecting."

moo cow: "But you're not far along enough to even park here."

me (reading the sign): "'Reserved for the expecting.' I'm expecting. Therefore, I parked here."

moo cow (looking and feeling foolish): "Oh. So...when are you due?"

me (breaking into laughter): "Nah, I'm just yankin' your chain, honey. I had an abortion 2 weeks ago. Cleared that problem right up!"

moo cow (red fury emerging in her face): "How dare you? How fucking dare you?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!"

me (thrilled by this woman's idiocy): "The childfree woman who took your coveted space."

moo cow (derisively): "Oh, you're one of those people. You have absolutely no right to park here, and you know it!"

me (still smiling): "Write me a tot-ticket. Send me to breeder court. Make me pay a kinderfine. Oh, wait, my taxes already take care of your kids. So I think I'll be using this space more often."

moo cow (very, very pissed): "That's it. That is fucking IT! I'm taking your license plate number, and I'm reporting it to the police!"

me (laughing): "Please do. And while you're at it, tell them what a shining example you've been to me in front of your children. The police work very hard, so they could use the laugh. So what do you do for a living?"

moo cow (realizing that she's losing): "You know what? Fuck you!" (At that point, she harshly gathers her kids and nearly shoves them in her minivan)

me: "I will, with a condom!"

And with that, I make very deliberate moves in my car, and all the while, she angrily slams her driver door, starts the ignition, and leaves the parking lot like a bat out of hell.

Oh, you breeders. You think you're so entitled. And why not? You've got it all: the tax breaks, the programs for children, you can cut in line at Wal-Mart and not have anyone tell you off, and many other breeder perks. And really...this bitch was one, ONE parking space away from me. Was it really that much of a hardship to park sooooooo far away?

My fellow CFers, don't be afraid. Use those stupid stork spaces, they don't need nor deserve them! And if you're with your SO or spouse, take his/her hand and skip merrily into the venue while breeders give you the evil eye. Trust me, it's super fun!